Life is Fragile and Everyday is a Gift

While at times I have understood the phrase "life is fragile and everyday is a gift", lately I haven't been looking at things in that perspective.  I've felt like more of a burden, and I'm tired and haven't been feeling well.  I've felt overwhelmed with all that needs to be done and find myself frustrated.  Poor me, poor me.

On top of that, two dear friends had just announced miscarriages, I was feeling their grief.  Life is fragile.

Sometimes you just need to get away.  After just feeling kind of down and sick of life as we know it, we made a last minute decision to join my family on a little getaway last weekend. 

The first night was just Dallas, India and myself in Cockroach Motel.  Really.  It was.  We planned on just pretty much sleeping there for the night, you know, to limit our bed bug exposure, but I was too sick to do much but lay in bed.  Maybe God's plan was to begin our Sabbath spending hours relaxing in an unknown bed while an 18-month-old used me as her personal gymnastics mat.  We still got to eat at our favorite Thai and Indian restaurants and of course, had to stop at IKEA.  The opportunity to just chill without ministry demands was a blessing. 

India loved that she could press all the TV buttons at Cockroach Motel.  She also loved that she was nekkid.

After that, we joined my parents and my sister and her family in southern Minnesota at a VERY different hotel!  My Dad made sure we all had suites for our families and I swear, some of our family's suites might have been bigger than our house!  Quite the upgrade from VD Motel.  After one day of being away, we were feeling better about life.
 

India and cousin, Xiomara, decided they wanted to play chess.

The kiddie pool here was great, perfect for littles with little fountains and a walk-in.  Best part of all, we were pretty much the only ones in the pools or hot tub! 

India.  Probably bossing someone around.

 
But this getaway wasn't just to get me out of my selfish, little world.  We celebrated Christmas with my Grandma. 

My Grandma, Josephine, India Josephine's namesake and my Dad

This was the first time I've been back to my Grandma's town since my Grandpa's funeral.  It brought back a lot of emotions.  Barely a year earlier, my Grandpa was alive and on the very streets we were on.  He was alive at the house my Grandma now lives in, alone.  I didn't expect to be hit with the reality of how fragile life is.  Sure, my Grandpa was older, but his death was unexpected.  Just one year later, we watch my Grandma come into the hotel alone, without my Grandpa.  Yes, life is fragile and every day is a gift. 

We also went to a benefit fundraiser for my second cousin and her husband.  They were both seriously injured in a motorcycle accident this fall.  Not only are they living miracles, they have both made amazing efforts to walk, move and do daily tasks.  I've never seen SO many people at a benefit.  Just a few months ago, they were working, taking care of their three girls and living life.  One accident has changed the course of their life.  Life is fragile and every day is a gift. 

This weekend was good for some time away.  Some time that was much needed to focus on our families and step back and realize how grateful we are for everything in our lives.  It was a time to see beyond ourselves, to love more, to pray for others, and realize life is fragile and every day is a gift.

As an old high school friend's 3-year-old boy was just diagnosed with stage 4cancer yesterday, this week's lessons that have been taught to me are fresh in my mind.  Enjoy time loving and caring for others.  Take time for refreshing. 

And be grateful for every day, because life is fragile and every day is a gift.

10 years ago today...

10 years ago today, I was preparing for my joint Bridal Shower with my soon-to-be-husband. 

I was so excited.  I knew many people from our very supportive church, in which my husband was the youth pastor, were planning on joining us in this celebration of our upcoming marriage.  I couldn't wait to celebrate with friends and family!

I was also anxious to get married and be with the man I loved, with the wedding just a little over 3 weeks away.  My fiance and I were planning on getting together that day and planning our honeymoon.  We waited until close to our wedding date hoping to get something cheap to Mexico.


But things turned from joy to unknown and concern for this young, rural MN girl.  My Mom woke me up on the morning of September 11, 2001, and said, "Genevieve, our country is in shambles!"   I don't know if I will even forget that sentence leaving her mouth and the feeling of my stomach leaving my abdomen as she said with such seriousness the atrocities that were taking place. 


I called my fiance, Dallas, at work and asked for details.  All news (and rumors) spread faster than any other piece of information we've ever heard.


Dallas' Mom recorded the news for us throughout the day so we could see it, as my family doesn't have TV. 


That night, we still had our wedding shower.  I think more people came that night to our already packed gathering for the closeness of the church community and to share their thoughts, worries and concerns. 

Many people left our wedding shower and waited in line for gas that night, as the rumors that gas would either skyrocket or not be readily available were running rampant. 

It was unknown. 


Everything was unknown.  We were all in the same boat.

For the first time, the rural Minnesotan girl was in the same world of disbelief as the top military General; even as the President.

From the greatest among us to the least, we didn't know what this catastrophe meant or how it would impact us as individuals, how it would impact our country and the effects in would have on the world for years, even generations, to come.

Were there terrorists among us?  Were more planes to be comandeered? How many lives have been lost?  How many more lives will be lost? Could we expect war on our territory?  What about biological weapons? Are we safe?

9/11 is a day that will be forever remembered by most of us who read this blog entry.  But yet it seems impossible that an event that stirs so many emotions in us, many of those feelings still raw, leaves the majority of our children reading about it in their history books and someday saying, "I remember my Mom talking about that - it happened a LONG time ago."

This morning, I watch my little girl play on the floor, oblivious to this infamous day, the pain it has caused, the global repercussions, the sacrifice, the anguish, the forgiveness, the love, and the opportunities.  I want to share with her this day; I don't want her to forget.

Never forget.

Where were your when you heard about the events of 9/11?  How do you teach (or plan to teach) your children about this day?

I take her for granted

A couple I know lost their precious baby boy this week.  Devastating. 

My heart aches and breaks every time I hear these stories no matter if it's a good friend or someone I've never seen because it would be one of the most crushing circumstances that we can imagine as mothers. 

So, I cry and I hold my baby close, smell her head, kiss her a million times, apologize a billion times and ask God to help me remember what a blessing she is.  And I pray for those who are hurting because of such a traumatic loss.

It's easy to take my daughter for granted in the routine or even difficult moments.  It's easy to yell at her, sigh as she ruins one more thing, lose my patience as she cries and whines at my feet, curse under my breath as she arches her back in a tantrum, and ignore her when 'I have things to do'. 

I have many friends who have lost children and would love to have even a few hair-pulling moments with their child right now....if that meant having a few more minutes with their precious baby.  I don't want to forget what a gift she is, to thank God for this little person and be grateful for this beautiful piece of my husband and me.

I love.love.love....

-the sweet smell of my daughter's breath

-her little and big tooth bite

-when she pulls close to me and kisses me

-her chubby wrists

-the endless sounds, shreiks and shrills

-her signs, communicating her needs

-how she dances the instant music turns on

-her whisper voice

-her call for 'Mama' - "mamamamamamaaaa"

-the way she walks around the house, calling for me, not satisfied until she's right back at my side

-her smile when I hide my face

-her sleepy eyes while she breastsfeeds

-her smiles and giggles when she breastfeeds

-how she has been a little ham since forever

-the way she mimics everything I do

-when I whisper in her ear that there is nothing she could do to make me love her less and she giggles

-the way her lower lip quivers when she cries

-her excitement when Dada comes home

-the way she tucks her lip in

-how she opens her eyes wide and says 'Oh' as soon as she wakes up and many times thereafter

-her desire for comfort

-how she takes apart and climbs on everything

-how she MUST have a baby in her arms at all times

-how she signs 'baby'

-her inhale giggle

-the way she says and signs 'outside' - "ouss-ide"

-her smart mind

-the smell of her head, it's delicious

-her proud smile - big and cheesy

-how she MUST as 'was sat?' (what's that) a hundred times even when she knows full well exactly what it is

-the way she explores everything

-her wispy curls

-how she pats my back as we cuddle

-her tiny tears that take a lot of emotion in order to appear

-when her little hands find their way to my mouth

-her shreiks of glee as she is the center of attention

-bright blus eyes that love me

-when she wears tight shirt or pants and I can see every roll

-the way she makes friends with EVERYONE by yelling 'hi', flashing a big cheesy grin and waving

-when I ask her if she's Mama's baby and she shakes her head and says 'yah'

-the way she says goodbye to al her new friends by blowing kisses and waving 'bye'

-her nekkid body

-her big hugs

-the way she runs away from my laptop when she gets caught pounding on it

-how she thinks she's hilarious when she signs 'potty' and makes the SSSSSSSSSSSsssssss sounds

Every single minute of her life, this life, is a gift.

India trying to wear my flip flops. :)

Back to life, back to reality

We are home after Christmas, an abscessed tooth, a trip to Africa, two blizzards, my Grandpa's death, his funeral, and various other things that I can't even remember because my brain is mush right now.  I'm hoping that maybe life will begin to get back to normal soon.  My mind is tired, my body is tired, and I'm people'd out.

I spent the last couple of days in the town where my Grandparents live, at my Grandpa's visitation and funeral.  It was a tough moment walking into the funeral home just in time to walk into the area where my Grandpa's body was lying, waiting to be mourned and viewed by us.

It's never a fun thing to listen to your family members weep.

My Grandpa's visitation was busy; over 750 people came to show their love and support for my Grandpa and his family, some people waiting in line for up to two hours to see my Grandpa and greet the family.  It was a long day for all of us.

My Grandpa is loved, that is for sure, and I'm thankful for every single person who stopped by the visitation or came to the funeral.  It was great to see so many extended family members and friends of my Grandparents, all of whom I haven't seen for years.

To all of you who have sent messages, texts, called, etc, THANK YOU!  Life was too crazy there for a bit, but I plan on responding to you soon!  I just need some time right now to regroup...

During the visitation, I received word that my husband, who was returning from Ghana, Africa, was now going to be delayed over night in New York, and most likely missing my Grandpa's funeral. His flight was set to arrive too close to the funeral, and I didn't know if I'd be able to make it to the airport and back in time for the funeral.  And I wasn't willing to take that chance!  Dallas was most likely, going to be stuck at the airport most of the day. I was upset, but couldn't do much about it. 

My godparents, Jim and Shirley (my cousin Matt's parents), came to the visitation, and when they heard that Dallas was delayed, Shirley volunteered to pick him up and drive him to the funeral since she was coming anyways!  It was so nice to have Dallas there for support, as we closed my Grandpa's coffin right before we proceeded into the funeral.

Ah yes, the funeral.  It went as well as a funeral could go.  My Uncle Bruce shared some great memories of my Grandpa, and he did such a good job describing my Grandpa and his life.  It was my favorite part of the funeral.

I learned a lot of things about my Grandpa.  One of the neatest things was the fact that in 52 years of marriage, he never once took off his wedding ring, not even during surgeries!  My Grandpa didn't go around oozing love songs, but that was his way of saying 'I love you' to my Grandma.  Precious.
My sister and I sang Amazing Grace, and thankfully we made it through it without crying.  That was miraculous.

The funeral was finished with my godmother Shirley's Dad singing my Grandpa's favorite song, Pisnicka Ceska (Song of Bohemia).  While it was being sung, I could hear the older people singing the song in Czech.  It was a wonderful sound. But at the same time, it was sad, as it was also signifying the soon to be end of a generation, as none of the grand kids could even pretend to sing even one word of the beautiful song.

The burial was of course difficult, especially while Taps was played and they handed my Grandma the flag that graced my Grandpa's coffin.  We were blessed with a light sprinkling of snow as we said our final farewells to my Grandpa's mortal body. 

I think the biggest shame in all of it was my Grandpa, the one we were all there celebrating, wasn't even there to receive all that love.  I decided I'm going to have and Un-Funeral when I get old.  Everyone that loves me will be invited to say their goodbyes and take lots of pictures with me.  And we'll eat ham sandwiches.  I told my cousin Jill about my plan and she said, "well, wouldn't everyone just cry?", implying how awkward it would be.  I guess she's right, but I'd rather be celebrated while I'm alive.

Dallas and I said our goodbyes, and the three of us, tired beyond all reason, and for all different reasons, took off, longing for our home.

Dallas had an amazing time in Ghana, and love it there!  We talked the whole four hour car ride home about it!  He loved the kids there and from everything that I have heard, they loved him the same!  There is NO doubt in my mind, that he would do an excellent job!  The kids gave Dallas a djembe drum, something he has wanted for years!  It's absolutely beautiful, and means so much to him already.

I also think it was fun for him to get to know the Korum's, a wonderful family who lives there and have been family friends since way before I was born. :-)

Dallas hit the ground running, straight to my Grandpa's funeral, and went right back to work this morning, and went right back to work this morning, and the day won't be done until late as we have small group tonight.  I do admire my husband's commitment to lead and guide others, in spite of his own tiredness!  BUT, we also haven't even done our own family Christmas yet....hopefully we'll get to that on Saturday!

I'm ready for life to settle down a bit.  I'm ready for normal naps, healthy food, cloth diapers (TMI - we have the worst poo-plosions with disposables and lots of stained clothes), some down time, and most of all just time to snuggle with my two favorite people in the world!

Love you all, and congratulations if you made it to the end of this emotionally scrambled blog post!  Thank you all for your support during this time. Back to regular blogging tomorrow!

My heart hurts

My Grandpa Ellard died unexpectedly last night.  New Years Eve, 2010.  What a crappy ending to the year.

Many people wouldn't turn to their personal blog to detail their loss of someone they loved so much, but my husband is gone right now, and I hope you don't mind me working through this process in front of you.  I'm sure many of you can identify with the raging feelings of grief.

We are experiencing our second blizzard in two days, and I decided that since my husband is gone, I would get snowed in at my parents, instead of being home alone for a couple of days.  Now I'm so glad that I'm here, instead alone, dealing with all the emotions.

We had just finished supper and had talked my Dad into playing a crazy card game with all of my brothers and sisters, when my mom answered the phone and quickly gave it to my Dad.  My Dad answered and promptly left the room.  As he was leaving, my Mom said that it was my Dad's sister, Connie, and she sounded upset.

This was a very distressing moment, because I knew something was wrong.  I paced the room, trying to keep my oblivious New-Years-Eve excited siblings under control, all while feeling like I was going to vomit. I made my way to the bathroom and cried in there, then pulled myself together - after all, I didn't even know why my auntie Connie was calling.

I wanted my Dad to get off the phone so I could know what was going on, but at the same time I didn't want to know. 

My Mom said my Dad wanted to talk with me, and as I walked into my parent's bedroom, my Dad didn't say anything.

I just looked at him.  He didn't even tell me.  I knew.

And I just wanted to curl up and cry.  My whole body felt limp.

I made my way to my Daddy's lap, laid my head on his shoulder and wept as he held me. 

I apologized to my Dad over and over again that his Dad was gone.

In all the driving with my Dad yesterday, we talked quite a bit about my Grandpa, and said too bad it's a blizzard, otherwise we would've went and visited for lunch or something.  I hate this stupid blizzard even more now.

I still feel sick.  And sad and angry and frustrated and confused and filled with regret and numb and at peace and empty.

Can you feel all those things at once?  I don't know.

When I saw family members beginning to post on Facebook last night, it was comforting to know we are all feeling the pain of the loss of my grandpa - but yet it was surreal to see it in writing.

We are now beginning the preparations for my grandpa's funeral.  My Sister and I will be singing Amazing Grace.  I have dreaded this day.  Right now, I don't know how I will hold up while trying to sing in front of many people who are mourning a man we all loved.

For those of you that didn't get the opportunity, I want to tell you a little bit about my grandpa. For those of you who did know my Grandpa, I hope these sentiments will resonate in your heart as you recall him with me from his Granddaughter's perspective.

As the oldest grandchild, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, and one of the highlights of my year was staying at my Grandparents house, all by myself, a couple times a year.  They lived about four hours away, so it was a real treat!

My Grandpa was a very tall man, with big brown eyes, and prominent features.  He had huge hands.  He was Bohemian, and very proud of it.  He spoke Czech, and I remember he and my Grandma speaking Czech when I was little and they didn't want me to understand them.  He had a thick Bohemian accent, but I didn't realize that until I was grown up; that was just the way he talked and I could understand him.  I remember when friends of mine met him, and they couldn't understand him!

My Grandpa could fix everything, and helped a lot of people.  When I was younger I remember him being active - fixing something in his large garage, running an errand to the local hardware store, mowing his HUGE lawn, picking raspberries for me, driving me somewhere, always doing or creating something to make life a little easier and better.

My Grandpa also liked to take naps, read the newspaper, and drive my grandma crazy sometimes. :-)  He always gave my sister Vanessa and I brainteasers and unique puzzles and challenged us to solve them.  Many of them he made for us.

Every Christmas, he found unique ways to give the family members money for Christmas.  I think my all time favorite was when he gave everyone walnuts (I think) and inside of them was their money.  He was VERY clever.

The older I got, the more I realized my Grandpa was always thinking, a deep thinker.  I also think he was very observant and discerning.  I remember him understanding things before they were even said. 

Another thing I noticed as I became more aware, was my Grandpa would talk and be full of stories - but not necessarily in a crowd.  If you had him one-on-one, he was FULL of interesting stories, ideas, and even shared some of the crazy antics he participated in "back in the day".  He was funny!  I've always wanted to video tape him telling stories, sort of interview him, but I didn't.  I horribly regret that.

He didn't have to be the center of attention.  He would sit quietly, taking in more than any of us really knew. 

I will miss my Grandpa immensely, and am very sad that my daughter won't get to remember him.  As the oldest grandchild, I was blessed to have 29 years with him.  He was a silent presence in our family.  And he wasn't even that silent, the rest of us are just loud. :-)

I love my Grandpa, and I know with all of my heart that he loved me, and all of his family, even though he wasn't the best at expressing it. The sparkle in his eyes said it all.  He was very proud of us.

He always waved goodbye with a twinkle in his eye, his large frame easily seen, and gently waved his pointer finger.  It was his signature wave, we all loved it.

I just with I could see his big smile again, hug his big, hard belly, getting lost beneath his chin and hear him say one more time, in his deep, loud voice, "Hello, Girl".

Grandpa, saying goodbye to India in August