What it's like to have adopted siblings

I'm the oldest of 13 children.

Yes, 13.

We're not all blood-related, but we are siblings, whose love runs deep.  I've been asked a lot to share what it's like to have so many siblings, and so many siblings who are adopted.  In real life, I talk about my family all the time, but I guess it's so every day to me, that I haven't addressed it on my blog much.  But November is also National Adoption Month, so this is a perfect time to talk about adoption and my life.

Like I said, not only have my parents adopted, but my sister has also adopted as well. 

In certain areas of the United States, adoption may seem to be the trendy, happening thing.  Countless families that I know have signed up to add children to their families that don't share the same DNA as them.  It's a wonderful thing, not without its struggles or controversies, but full of blessings as well.

I grew up with one biological sister.  Vacations, private school, social events, going out to eat; a comfortable life.   When I was 20 years old and my younger sister had just graduated high school at 18, my parents adopted a sibling set of three sisters. 

My parents gave up the next-to-retirement life, to love and care for three beautiful girls.  My husband and I helped out taking my little sisters on dates, having sleepovers, and going shopping.  Within months, life became normal for me as I accepted that I now had four sisters.

A couple of years later, my parents, who realized they were in this for the long haul and had the means and love in their hearts, found room for another sibling set of six.  Two boys and four girls. 

Overnight, our family more than doubled.  Dallas and I were doing mission work at this time, so we only got to meet 'the new kids' on a trip home, but from what I've heard, this was a pretty chaotic time! 

Things slowly settled and life took a new groove for my family.  Grocery shopping now meant my Mom had to bring 9 kids, 8 of them under the age of 8, into the store with her.  It meant a new vehicle, with a special seat installed so everyone could fit.  Everything was done in mass quantities.  Trips to Sam's Club meant a trailer was pulled so they could fit everything in it.

What was weird to everyone else, became natural to them. 

A few years after that, my husband and I moved back to our home state of Minnesota and I felt that I was supposed to serve alongside my Mom, as she was busy homeschooling all the kids, cleaning house, making meals and juggling appointments and activities for the nine kids still at home.  My time working at my parent's house was amazing!  Not without its hair-pulling moments, but it was great to get to know my newest siblings.

Just when we all (and my parents as well) thought their family was complete, they began the adoption porcess again.  This path led them to two biological sisters who soon joined our family, making the number of children in my parent's brood grow to a baker's dozen. 

People ask me what it's like to have such an age gap between me, the oldest at 30, and my sister, the youngest at six.  I guess it's not too weird now because I'm used to it.  While I am their older sister, I did spend a lot of time working for my parents so my siblings know they must also respect and listen to me.  In that way, I'm kind of maybe looked at as a really close aunt.  With that, I'm highly protective of them.

Another question I've been asked is if I feel like they are my siblings and am I close to them.  Some would take offense to this question, but it's a logical question.  Yes, they are my siblings through and through.  I would do anything for them.  I CANNOT IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT THEM!  Seriously.  I can barely remember what it was like with just one biological sister.  It seems like another life, another family, another person.  I can barely remember what it was like without the youngest two girls that joined our family about 18 months ago!   Sure, I am closer to my biological sister, but that's because we are not only experiencing the same things in life right now (marriage, family, age), but we've also spent years developing our relationship. 

Sometimes I see my friends out with their moms, getting massages or having lunch or shopping for clothes for their kids, and I get a little sad because my mom and I can't do that.   My mom can't just come to my house and watch my baby.  We can't just meet at Target and browse the aisles together.  We can't go on a cruise with my parents.  I can't always call my Mom whenever I want and chat for hours, because my younger sibling's attention span wouldn't last for more than 5 minutes. I can't have those "normal" things with my parents. But I'm not sad about it; its just how it is.

So yes, I don't get all the things that some of my friends get with their moms, but my friends don't get 12 brothers and sisters, of all races, size, age and personality to call their siblings.  No one else has sisters with the nicknames of Nena, Pita Pumpkin, MarMar, Maymer, Beaner, Squishy or Breahna-Jahna.  No one else has 10 kids race to their car when they arrive at their parents house, give you a huge hug and beg to take their daughter out of her car seat. 

No one else gets to watch 11 lives, all broken and hurt, be transformed and nourished in a Forever Family. 

I'll give up lunch dates and mindless house decorating talk and wasted monies spent on vacations with my parents for just a day where "these kids", my siblings, are safe, loved and taken care of.

Have you considered adoption?  Do you have any other questions for me?

Back to life, back to reality

We are home after Christmas, an abscessed tooth, a trip to Africa, two blizzards, my Grandpa's death, his funeral, and various other things that I can't even remember because my brain is mush right now.  I'm hoping that maybe life will begin to get back to normal soon.  My mind is tired, my body is tired, and I'm people'd out.

I spent the last couple of days in the town where my Grandparents live, at my Grandpa's visitation and funeral.  It was a tough moment walking into the funeral home just in time to walk into the area where my Grandpa's body was lying, waiting to be mourned and viewed by us.

It's never a fun thing to listen to your family members weep.

My Grandpa's visitation was busy; over 750 people came to show their love and support for my Grandpa and his family, some people waiting in line for up to two hours to see my Grandpa and greet the family.  It was a long day for all of us.

My Grandpa is loved, that is for sure, and I'm thankful for every single person who stopped by the visitation or came to the funeral.  It was great to see so many extended family members and friends of my Grandparents, all of whom I haven't seen for years.

To all of you who have sent messages, texts, called, etc, THANK YOU!  Life was too crazy there for a bit, but I plan on responding to you soon!  I just need some time right now to regroup...

During the visitation, I received word that my husband, who was returning from Ghana, Africa, was now going to be delayed over night in New York, and most likely missing my Grandpa's funeral. His flight was set to arrive too close to the funeral, and I didn't know if I'd be able to make it to the airport and back in time for the funeral.  And I wasn't willing to take that chance!  Dallas was most likely, going to be stuck at the airport most of the day. I was upset, but couldn't do much about it. 

My godparents, Jim and Shirley (my cousin Matt's parents), came to the visitation, and when they heard that Dallas was delayed, Shirley volunteered to pick him up and drive him to the funeral since she was coming anyways!  It was so nice to have Dallas there for support, as we closed my Grandpa's coffin right before we proceeded into the funeral.

Ah yes, the funeral.  It went as well as a funeral could go.  My Uncle Bruce shared some great memories of my Grandpa, and he did such a good job describing my Grandpa and his life.  It was my favorite part of the funeral.

I learned a lot of things about my Grandpa.  One of the neatest things was the fact that in 52 years of marriage, he never once took off his wedding ring, not even during surgeries!  My Grandpa didn't go around oozing love songs, but that was his way of saying 'I love you' to my Grandma.  Precious.
My sister and I sang Amazing Grace, and thankfully we made it through it without crying.  That was miraculous.

The funeral was finished with my godmother Shirley's Dad singing my Grandpa's favorite song, Pisnicka Ceska (Song of Bohemia).  While it was being sung, I could hear the older people singing the song in Czech.  It was a wonderful sound. But at the same time, it was sad, as it was also signifying the soon to be end of a generation, as none of the grand kids could even pretend to sing even one word of the beautiful song.

The burial was of course difficult, especially while Taps was played and they handed my Grandma the flag that graced my Grandpa's coffin.  We were blessed with a light sprinkling of snow as we said our final farewells to my Grandpa's mortal body. 

I think the biggest shame in all of it was my Grandpa, the one we were all there celebrating, wasn't even there to receive all that love.  I decided I'm going to have and Un-Funeral when I get old.  Everyone that loves me will be invited to say their goodbyes and take lots of pictures with me.  And we'll eat ham sandwiches.  I told my cousin Jill about my plan and she said, "well, wouldn't everyone just cry?", implying how awkward it would be.  I guess she's right, but I'd rather be celebrated while I'm alive.

Dallas and I said our goodbyes, and the three of us, tired beyond all reason, and for all different reasons, took off, longing for our home.

Dallas had an amazing time in Ghana, and love it there!  We talked the whole four hour car ride home about it!  He loved the kids there and from everything that I have heard, they loved him the same!  There is NO doubt in my mind, that he would do an excellent job!  The kids gave Dallas a djembe drum, something he has wanted for years!  It's absolutely beautiful, and means so much to him already.

I also think it was fun for him to get to know the Korum's, a wonderful family who lives there and have been family friends since way before I was born. :-)

Dallas hit the ground running, straight to my Grandpa's funeral, and went right back to work this morning, and went right back to work this morning, and the day won't be done until late as we have small group tonight.  I do admire my husband's commitment to lead and guide others, in spite of his own tiredness!  BUT, we also haven't even done our own family Christmas yet....hopefully we'll get to that on Saturday!

I'm ready for life to settle down a bit.  I'm ready for normal naps, healthy food, cloth diapers (TMI - we have the worst poo-plosions with disposables and lots of stained clothes), some down time, and most of all just time to snuggle with my two favorite people in the world!

Love you all, and congratulations if you made it to the end of this emotionally scrambled blog post!  Thank you all for your support during this time. Back to regular blogging tomorrow!

My heart hurts

My Grandpa Ellard died unexpectedly last night.  New Years Eve, 2010.  What a crappy ending to the year.

Many people wouldn't turn to their personal blog to detail their loss of someone they loved so much, but my husband is gone right now, and I hope you don't mind me working through this process in front of you.  I'm sure many of you can identify with the raging feelings of grief.

We are experiencing our second blizzard in two days, and I decided that since my husband is gone, I would get snowed in at my parents, instead of being home alone for a couple of days.  Now I'm so glad that I'm here, instead alone, dealing with all the emotions.

We had just finished supper and had talked my Dad into playing a crazy card game with all of my brothers and sisters, when my mom answered the phone and quickly gave it to my Dad.  My Dad answered and promptly left the room.  As he was leaving, my Mom said that it was my Dad's sister, Connie, and she sounded upset.

This was a very distressing moment, because I knew something was wrong.  I paced the room, trying to keep my oblivious New-Years-Eve excited siblings under control, all while feeling like I was going to vomit. I made my way to the bathroom and cried in there, then pulled myself together - after all, I didn't even know why my auntie Connie was calling.

I wanted my Dad to get off the phone so I could know what was going on, but at the same time I didn't want to know. 

My Mom said my Dad wanted to talk with me, and as I walked into my parent's bedroom, my Dad didn't say anything.

I just looked at him.  He didn't even tell me.  I knew.

And I just wanted to curl up and cry.  My whole body felt limp.

I made my way to my Daddy's lap, laid my head on his shoulder and wept as he held me. 

I apologized to my Dad over and over again that his Dad was gone.

In all the driving with my Dad yesterday, we talked quite a bit about my Grandpa, and said too bad it's a blizzard, otherwise we would've went and visited for lunch or something.  I hate this stupid blizzard even more now.

I still feel sick.  And sad and angry and frustrated and confused and filled with regret and numb and at peace and empty.

Can you feel all those things at once?  I don't know.

When I saw family members beginning to post on Facebook last night, it was comforting to know we are all feeling the pain of the loss of my grandpa - but yet it was surreal to see it in writing.

We are now beginning the preparations for my grandpa's funeral.  My Sister and I will be singing Amazing Grace.  I have dreaded this day.  Right now, I don't know how I will hold up while trying to sing in front of many people who are mourning a man we all loved.

For those of you that didn't get the opportunity, I want to tell you a little bit about my grandpa. For those of you who did know my Grandpa, I hope these sentiments will resonate in your heart as you recall him with me from his Granddaughter's perspective.

As the oldest grandchild, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, and one of the highlights of my year was staying at my Grandparents house, all by myself, a couple times a year.  They lived about four hours away, so it was a real treat!

My Grandpa was a very tall man, with big brown eyes, and prominent features.  He had huge hands.  He was Bohemian, and very proud of it.  He spoke Czech, and I remember he and my Grandma speaking Czech when I was little and they didn't want me to understand them.  He had a thick Bohemian accent, but I didn't realize that until I was grown up; that was just the way he talked and I could understand him.  I remember when friends of mine met him, and they couldn't understand him!

My Grandpa could fix everything, and helped a lot of people.  When I was younger I remember him being active - fixing something in his large garage, running an errand to the local hardware store, mowing his HUGE lawn, picking raspberries for me, driving me somewhere, always doing or creating something to make life a little easier and better.

My Grandpa also liked to take naps, read the newspaper, and drive my grandma crazy sometimes. :-)  He always gave my sister Vanessa and I brainteasers and unique puzzles and challenged us to solve them.  Many of them he made for us.

Every Christmas, he found unique ways to give the family members money for Christmas.  I think my all time favorite was when he gave everyone walnuts (I think) and inside of them was their money.  He was VERY clever.

The older I got, the more I realized my Grandpa was always thinking, a deep thinker.  I also think he was very observant and discerning.  I remember him understanding things before they were even said. 

Another thing I noticed as I became more aware, was my Grandpa would talk and be full of stories - but not necessarily in a crowd.  If you had him one-on-one, he was FULL of interesting stories, ideas, and even shared some of the crazy antics he participated in "back in the day".  He was funny!  I've always wanted to video tape him telling stories, sort of interview him, but I didn't.  I horribly regret that.

He didn't have to be the center of attention.  He would sit quietly, taking in more than any of us really knew. 

I will miss my Grandpa immensely, and am very sad that my daughter won't get to remember him.  As the oldest grandchild, I was blessed to have 29 years with him.  He was a silent presence in our family.  And he wasn't even that silent, the rest of us are just loud. :-)

I love my Grandpa, and I know with all of my heart that he loved me, and all of his family, even though he wasn't the best at expressing it. The sparkle in his eyes said it all.  He was very proud of us.

He always waved goodbye with a twinkle in his eye, his large frame easily seen, and gently waved his pointer finger.  It was his signature wave, we all loved it.

I just with I could see his big smile again, hug his big, hard belly, getting lost beneath his chin and hear him say one more time, in his deep, loud voice, "Hello, Girl".

Grandpa, saying goodbye to India in August

Cloth Diapering - for the environment and on the cheap

Cloth diapering was an easy, natural choice for me. A few years ago, before I even started to think about having a baby, I knew I would cloth diaper. For me, it was a personal conviction as a Christian to take care of the environment. Also included in my decision-making was a major dislike of some of the chemicals in disposable diapers and a desire to save money.

My original intent has been to practice Elimination Communication with India, hoping to eliminate diapers within the first 6 months of her life.

Sounds impossible, right? 

Well, it's not. I've held countless diaperless babies, 6 months and younger all over the world, that go to the bathroom when given a cue by their mothers and don't wet themselves. Diapers are not an option. I also babysat a little boy 6 month old boy a few years back, and I practiced Elimination Communication during the few hours he was with me, and he used the toilet everyday for me, usually once or twice in those couple of hours!  So I personally have seen it work.

India has used the potty, as I've read her cues, but I haven't been very diligent in the diaperless arena YET, so back to cloth diapers.... :)

Many people have asked about me about our decisions in cloth diapering, so fasten your seatbelts folks, I'm about to share a whole lot of opinion with you!

In case you didn't know, the cloth diaper world is ginormous! It's way bigger and more advanced than most people are aware of.  Gone are the days of rubber gloves scrubbing poop chunks into the cold toilet water off of a big piece of fabric!  This no longer has anything to do with your mother's cloth diapers.

Cloth diapers also hold their value. I've seen used diapers being sold for nearly the same price as brand new!

So far I've spent around $307 on cloth diapers and accessories and technically, I can get by with not buying another diaper - IF I chose to do that.

This is what I have (items in green fit from birth to potty training):

9 sized diapers - either AIO's, pockets or fitteds

12 size small prefolds
10 one size diapers - pockets and AIO's
4 one size prefolds

24 one size flats

5 one size diaper covers

several inserts and doublers that I purchased separately

3 snappis

1 wetbag

1 reusable garbage can liner

3-4 dozen cloth wipes (most are sewing scraps)

If I go by all my one size diapers, excluding anything that is specific to size, I have 38 diapers that I can use from birth to potty training.

I will admit, for the amount of diapers I have, I really haven't spent that much. I have scoured the internet for sales: waiting patiently for the best deal on seconds and purchasing several diapers on buy one get one sales. A couple of the diapers I have were given to me by my sister and the one dozen small prefolds were bought by India's Grandma, Shelly - both saving me more money.  If I would have purchased the diapers given to me as gifts, I would need to add another $100 onto my previous total.

Currently, my favorite everyday diaper (and this changes about every two weeks!) is a Little Lions flat, which cost a little over a dollar a piece, folded in the trim kite fold. Side note: it doesn't take that long to fold a diaper, it's just a tutorial video takes a bit longer! :) These diapers are so popular and well-loved that they are sold out and have been for a couple of months. I was afraid to fold a diaper, and was sure I would only use prefolds as my everyday diaper, but I'm in LOVE with these!  I use a BumGenius flip cover on them most of the time.                            
                                         India in a Little Lions flat

I also love my Green Mountain Diaper small organic prefolds, which ended up costing a little over $2 a piece! Yes, $2 for an organic diaper!! These were my favorite before I found the kite fold for my flats and they have become a little small on India sometimes. I would like to get another dozen in a bigger size soon.

I also cover these with a BumGenius flip cover.

         Yellow Edge Green Mountain Diaper, about 13lbs

For going out, or when someone else is watching her, I love my Bumgenius Elemental organic AIO's. They are trim, absorbant and easy to use!

The only negative comments I have gotten about cloth diapering are about not being able to handle scrubbing diapers and "your bills will skyrocket with all that laundering" - both which are misinformed statements.

First, you no longer have to scrub cloth diapers in the cold toilet water with your rubber gloves.  India will be exclusively breastfed for at least the first six months of her life, and breastfed-poo diapers can do straight into the dirty diapers bin - no soaking in water. No rinsing, no scrubbing.

Once she starts solids, they sell diaper sprayers which attach directly to your toilet, so you can rinse off solids, then toss into the dirty diaper bin.  We have an extra long shower head which reaches our toilet, so we will use that to wash off the diapers.  There are also thin, flushable diaper liners, that you can line your diaper with when you learn your baby's poo schedule so you don't have to do any rinsing of the diaper.

Secondly, I expected our bills to go up with cloth diapering, but I'm surprised with what I found!  There has been hardly any change.  In fact, it's been so insignificant, I won't even blog about it!

When we begin talking about the cost of disposable diapers, conservative estimates total about $1,500 from birth to potty training per child to over $3,000, all contingent on brand of diapers and length of time in diapers.

I think I'm pretty blessed spending about $300 (or even $500) on diapers for several children. 

I wash diapers about every 3-4 days, depending on our schedule.  So at the most I'm doing 2 more loads of laundry a week.  Not bad.  Also, I line dry quite often, which saves resources.

There you have it, folks. It's long and detailed, but it's about time I shared with what is working for me and answered some of the questions I've received! 

Feel free to add any information or ask any questions you may have! I am by no means, an expert.  I just want to share what I have learned so far!

Have you ever considered cloth diapers? What influenced your decision to cloth diaper or not cloth diaper? 

Not forsaken

This is my beautiful niece, Xiomara(pronounced see-o-marah) and she is two days older than India. She is India's cousin, my niece, my sister Vanessa's daughter. Xiomara means 'prepared for battle' and little Xiomara is a miracle and long-awaited gift from God! You can read more of her miracle story here.

Xiomara will be having surgery at a Children's Hospital to fix a hernia, and as any parent knows, turning your child over to the care of someone else is difficult. Placing your child in the hands of someone else, trusting them to perform a surgery and not permanently damage any organs on such a petite little baby, is even more heart-wrenching. Especially when they are so little and fragile. Xiomara even more so, as she was a preemie, so she still remains significantly smaller in size than India. My sister and her husband have weighed the pros and cons of doing this surgery at such a young age and small size, but they have calculated the long-term risk to be greater the longer they prolong this procedure.

So, will you join us as we pray for Xiomara, her doctors, and family on Thursday, September 16th? Thank you!

No Poo for Me!

Shhhh, I've been keeping a secret for a while, that very few people know about, but I'm about to let EVERYONE know.

I'm coming up on my one year No Poo-iversary.

That may sound quite painful and uncomfortable to some of you, but really, No Poo has nothing to do with bowels. Clearly, it needs a new name, but No Poo is basically abandoning shampoo and conditioner, for others methods of cleaning. There are many ways to go No Poo, but the most common involves ingredients of baking soda and apple cider vinegar.

The Beginning
 
I first heard about this phenomenom when I was 19 years old. It wasn't called No Poo then; it was simply called Stop Washing Your Hair with Harsh Chemicals and Your Hair Will Self-Cleanse. Someone had told me that if you stop washing your hair with shampoo, and only use water, your hair will naturally start a self-cleansing process, after an arguous "finding it's identity" process. Little hippie me wanted to try this, but I started falling in love with this man named Dallas, and that took precedent in my life. I forgot about everything else. :)

I've never been a big hair washer, usually washing every two days, sometimes I could stretch it to three, but could only stay home because of greasiness. I can't clearly remember when the NO Poo idea starting seriously entering my head again, and I don't know what took me so long to decide to do it, because after one year, I couldn't be more pleased with the results!

How It Works

The idea with No Poo is that your hair detoxes from the abuse of shampoo and conditioner, then learns to function mostly on it's own. If you think your hair will be a greasy mess if you went No Poo, you couldn't be more wrong. Shampoo strips your hair of it's natural oils, and therefore, our bodies naturally produce more oil to meet the loss. That is how you get greasy hair. When you stop stripping the natural oils out, your body slows way down on oil production.

My Story

My hair went through a small transition stage, where it tested me, and a couple times I would want to grab the shampoo bottle so bad, but I persevered. The first three weeks were the hardest, but looking back I washed too often and didn't trust that in time, my hair would not only adapt, but become fuller, less greasy and more manageable than ever.

I now wash about one time a week. If I workout or get sweaty, if it's too early for my regular washing, I will quite often just wash my hair with plain water, and it works.

I know, you don't believe me that washing your hair with plain water can be sufficient, but with the No Poo method, it really is sufficient. Again, if you strip your scalp of it's natural oils, it will be quick to replenish those oils, leaving you greasy in a short time.

How To


First, I mix 1 tablespoon baking soda mixed with 1 cup of water and gently massage it into my scalp. I sometimes will let it sit for a minute or two, then rinse.

For my "conditioner", I mix 1 tablespoon vinegar with 1 cup of water.  Add a drop or two of Young Living ylang ylang essential oil, which has NOTHING on the scent of Herbal Essence shampoo and it will help mask the vinegar scent.  I dump it on my head, but I normally keep it away from my roots. I'm not sure why. Just a habit, I guess. I maybe will let that sit for a minute or two, then rinse.

About every other wash, I put a natural conditioner on the tips, and then rinse that out. And I'm done. I started by using apple cider vinegar, but switched to regular vinegar with the same results.

If you think the vinegar will make your hair smell - wrong. Come smell mine, it doesn't smell like vinegar ever.  Believe me, I asked my husband this question a million times over!   Again, make a spray of Ylang Ylang essential oil with some water and spritz that in your hair if you want a good smell.  I also stopped using all styling products as my hair gained a lot more body and I felt like gels were weighting it down. I do use gel, mousse or hairspray for special occasions though.

There you have it. My secret is out. Can you see why I didn't want to go blabbing this experiment to the world one year ago?  I feel very confident with my hair now, and don't feel like there is anything to be embarrassed of. I'm saving time, money, decreasing the amount of chemicals I come in contact with, and helping the environment, all while staying clean and having nicer hair than I had before!

Win win.

No Poo hair. Not the best picture, as my dark hair next to  my highlights make it look greasy....but it's not!

MSNBC article on the growing No Poo movement.
A mom tells her No Poo story.
No Poo Basics - While I disagree with her baking soda paste recommendation, she has a basic, brief overview of the chemicals in shampoo and conditioner and the dangers of them that's very easy to understand.

I'm no expert in this, but feel free to ask questions! :)