You are missed, Matt

I promised myself not to write very much on my blog this week, because it's a particularly busy one.  But I couldn't NOT share this.

Today would have been my cousin Matt's 31st birthday.  He's actually not my first cousin, or even my 2nd cousin.  I am, however related to him, as my dad and his mom are 2nd cousins. Maybe some genealogy genius can figure that out.

I didn't have 1st cousins close in age to me, so Matt & I, along with his brother and sister and my sister grew up more like first cousins.  We spent annual holidays together and visited each other during school breaks.  I could go on with memories and funny stories of Matt.

Matt's parents are my godparents - whom I love very, very, very much.

Matt's family is more than distant relatives to our family, they are close friends.

I say it would have been, because Matt passed away when he was barely 17 years old.  I was barely 15.

Matt took his own life.

To this day, I can barely write or speak about Matt without getting emotional.  And every year, as November 29th, Matt's birthday comes closer, I feel a little overwhelmed with sadness. 

And every year, right after Christmas, I am overwhelmed with sadness as we approach the anniversary of Matt's death.

Depression and suicide are tender topics.  And as you read both of those words, I'm sure you know someone who has been personally affected by one, the other, or both.

Maybe that someone is you. 

When Matt took his life he didn't understand what he was doing.  He didn't know how many hundreds of people would be devastated.  He didn't know that he would leave us with so many questions.  He didn't know that still to this day, his 'cousin' still weeps over him. He had no idea that every year, Thanksgiving and Christmas are soiled for his family.  He didn't know that every November 29th, instead of celebrating that he was born, the fact that he died tragically young overshadows it all.  He didn't know.  He couldn't have.

I wonder what he would be doing now.  What his wife and kids would be like (yes, he would be married - he had a FUN personality) .... What career path would he have chosen ....  I wonder how different life would be for his parents and brother and sister who are left with gaping life-size holes in their hearts ....Would he still be my friend .... What would he think of my husband and daughter?

It still makes me sick to my stomach when I see pictures of Matt - especially ones of him smiling.  It still hurts so bad. I'm still processing his death, and I think that's OK.

That's really all I have to say about this.  Depression sucks.  And suicide, well screw it. 

I love you, Matt.  And Happy Birthday.