Back to life, back to reality

We are home after Christmas, an abscessed tooth, a trip to Africa, two blizzards, my Grandpa's death, his funeral, and various other things that I can't even remember because my brain is mush right now.  I'm hoping that maybe life will begin to get back to normal soon.  My mind is tired, my body is tired, and I'm people'd out.

I spent the last couple of days in the town where my Grandparents live, at my Grandpa's visitation and funeral.  It was a tough moment walking into the funeral home just in time to walk into the area where my Grandpa's body was lying, waiting to be mourned and viewed by us.

It's never a fun thing to listen to your family members weep.

My Grandpa's visitation was busy; over 750 people came to show their love and support for my Grandpa and his family, some people waiting in line for up to two hours to see my Grandpa and greet the family.  It was a long day for all of us.

My Grandpa is loved, that is for sure, and I'm thankful for every single person who stopped by the visitation or came to the funeral.  It was great to see so many extended family members and friends of my Grandparents, all of whom I haven't seen for years.

To all of you who have sent messages, texts, called, etc, THANK YOU!  Life was too crazy there for a bit, but I plan on responding to you soon!  I just need some time right now to regroup...

During the visitation, I received word that my husband, who was returning from Ghana, Africa, was now going to be delayed over night in New York, and most likely missing my Grandpa's funeral. His flight was set to arrive too close to the funeral, and I didn't know if I'd be able to make it to the airport and back in time for the funeral.  And I wasn't willing to take that chance!  Dallas was most likely, going to be stuck at the airport most of the day. I was upset, but couldn't do much about it. 

My godparents, Jim and Shirley (my cousin Matt's parents), came to the visitation, and when they heard that Dallas was delayed, Shirley volunteered to pick him up and drive him to the funeral since she was coming anyways!  It was so nice to have Dallas there for support, as we closed my Grandpa's coffin right before we proceeded into the funeral.

Ah yes, the funeral.  It went as well as a funeral could go.  My Uncle Bruce shared some great memories of my Grandpa, and he did such a good job describing my Grandpa and his life.  It was my favorite part of the funeral.

I learned a lot of things about my Grandpa.  One of the neatest things was the fact that in 52 years of marriage, he never once took off his wedding ring, not even during surgeries!  My Grandpa didn't go around oozing love songs, but that was his way of saying 'I love you' to my Grandma.  Precious.
My sister and I sang Amazing Grace, and thankfully we made it through it without crying.  That was miraculous.

The funeral was finished with my godmother Shirley's Dad singing my Grandpa's favorite song, Pisnicka Ceska (Song of Bohemia).  While it was being sung, I could hear the older people singing the song in Czech.  It was a wonderful sound. But at the same time, it was sad, as it was also signifying the soon to be end of a generation, as none of the grand kids could even pretend to sing even one word of the beautiful song.

The burial was of course difficult, especially while Taps was played and they handed my Grandma the flag that graced my Grandpa's coffin.  We were blessed with a light sprinkling of snow as we said our final farewells to my Grandpa's mortal body. 

I think the biggest shame in all of it was my Grandpa, the one we were all there celebrating, wasn't even there to receive all that love.  I decided I'm going to have and Un-Funeral when I get old.  Everyone that loves me will be invited to say their goodbyes and take lots of pictures with me.  And we'll eat ham sandwiches.  I told my cousin Jill about my plan and she said, "well, wouldn't everyone just cry?", implying how awkward it would be.  I guess she's right, but I'd rather be celebrated while I'm alive.

Dallas and I said our goodbyes, and the three of us, tired beyond all reason, and for all different reasons, took off, longing for our home.

Dallas had an amazing time in Ghana, and love it there!  We talked the whole four hour car ride home about it!  He loved the kids there and from everything that I have heard, they loved him the same!  There is NO doubt in my mind, that he would do an excellent job!  The kids gave Dallas a djembe drum, something he has wanted for years!  It's absolutely beautiful, and means so much to him already.

I also think it was fun for him to get to know the Korum's, a wonderful family who lives there and have been family friends since way before I was born. :-)

Dallas hit the ground running, straight to my Grandpa's funeral, and went right back to work this morning, and went right back to work this morning, and the day won't be done until late as we have small group tonight.  I do admire my husband's commitment to lead and guide others, in spite of his own tiredness!  BUT, we also haven't even done our own family Christmas yet....hopefully we'll get to that on Saturday!

I'm ready for life to settle down a bit.  I'm ready for normal naps, healthy food, cloth diapers (TMI - we have the worst poo-plosions with disposables and lots of stained clothes), some down time, and most of all just time to snuggle with my two favorite people in the world!

Love you all, and congratulations if you made it to the end of this emotionally scrambled blog post!  Thank you all for your support during this time. Back to regular blogging tomorrow!

You are missed, Matt

I promised myself not to write very much on my blog this week, because it's a particularly busy one.  But I couldn't NOT share this.

Today would have been my cousin Matt's 31st birthday.  He's actually not my first cousin, or even my 2nd cousin.  I am, however related to him, as my dad and his mom are 2nd cousins. Maybe some genealogy genius can figure that out.

I didn't have 1st cousins close in age to me, so Matt & I, along with his brother and sister and my sister grew up more like first cousins.  We spent annual holidays together and visited each other during school breaks.  I could go on with memories and funny stories of Matt.

Matt's parents are my godparents - whom I love very, very, very much.

Matt's family is more than distant relatives to our family, they are close friends.

I say it would have been, because Matt passed away when he was barely 17 years old.  I was barely 15.

Matt took his own life.

To this day, I can barely write or speak about Matt without getting emotional.  And every year, as November 29th, Matt's birthday comes closer, I feel a little overwhelmed with sadness. 

And every year, right after Christmas, I am overwhelmed with sadness as we approach the anniversary of Matt's death.

Depression and suicide are tender topics.  And as you read both of those words, I'm sure you know someone who has been personally affected by one, the other, or both.

Maybe that someone is you. 

When Matt took his life he didn't understand what he was doing.  He didn't know how many hundreds of people would be devastated.  He didn't know that he would leave us with so many questions.  He didn't know that still to this day, his 'cousin' still weeps over him. He had no idea that every year, Thanksgiving and Christmas are soiled for his family.  He didn't know that every November 29th, instead of celebrating that he was born, the fact that he died tragically young overshadows it all.  He didn't know.  He couldn't have.

I wonder what he would be doing now.  What his wife and kids would be like (yes, he would be married - he had a FUN personality) .... What career path would he have chosen ....  I wonder how different life would be for his parents and brother and sister who are left with gaping life-size holes in their hearts ....Would he still be my friend .... What would he think of my husband and daughter?

It still makes me sick to my stomach when I see pictures of Matt - especially ones of him smiling.  It still hurts so bad. I'm still processing his death, and I think that's OK.

That's really all I have to say about this.  Depression sucks.  And suicide, well screw it. 

I love you, Matt.  And Happy Birthday.