Saturday, January 1, 2011

My heart hurts

My Grandpa Ellard died unexpectedly last night.  New Years Eve, 2010.  What a crappy ending to the year.

Many people wouldn't turn to their personal blog to detail their loss of someone they loved so much, but my husband is gone right now, and I hope you don't mind me working through this process in front of you.  I'm sure many of you can identify with the raging feelings of grief.

We are experiencing our second blizzard in two days, and I decided that since my husband is gone, I would get snowed in at my parents, instead of being home alone for a couple of days.  Now I'm so glad that I'm here, instead alone, dealing with all the emotions.

We had just finished supper and had talked my Dad into playing a crazy card game with all of my brothers and sisters, when my mom answered the phone and quickly gave it to my Dad.  My Dad answered and promptly left the room.  As he was leaving, my Mom said that it was my Dad's sister, Connie, and she sounded upset.

This was a very distressing moment, because I knew something was wrong.  I paced the room, trying to keep my oblivious New-Years-Eve excited siblings under control, all while feeling like I was going to vomit. I made my way to the bathroom and cried in there, then pulled myself together - after all, I didn't even know why my auntie Connie was calling.

I wanted my Dad to get off the phone so I could know what was going on, but at the same time I didn't want to know. 

My Mom said my Dad wanted to talk with me, and as I walked into my parent's bedroom, my Dad didn't say anything.

I just looked at him.  He didn't even tell me.  I knew.

And I just wanted to curl up and cry.  My whole body felt limp.

I made my way to my Daddy's lap, laid my head on his shoulder and wept as he held me. 

I apologized to my Dad over and over again that his Dad was gone.

In all the driving with my Dad yesterday, we talked quite a bit about my Grandpa, and said too bad it's a blizzard, otherwise we would've went and visited for lunch or something.  I hate this stupid blizzard even more now.

I still feel sick.  And sad and angry and frustrated and confused and filled with regret and numb and at peace and empty.

Can you feel all those things at once?  I don't know.

When I saw family members beginning to post on Facebook last night, it was comforting to know we are all feeling the pain of the loss of my grandpa - but yet it was surreal to see it in writing.

We are now beginning the preparations for my grandpa's funeral.  My Sister and I will be singing Amazing Grace.  I have dreaded this day.  Right now, I don't know how I will hold up while trying to sing in front of many people who are mourning a man we all loved.

For those of you that didn't get the opportunity, I want to tell you a little bit about my grandpa. For those of you who did know my Grandpa, I hope these sentiments will resonate in your heart as you recall him with me from his Granddaughter's perspective.

As the oldest grandchild, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, and one of the highlights of my year was staying at my Grandparents house, all by myself, a couple times a year.  They lived about four hours away, so it was a real treat!

My Grandpa was a very tall man, with big brown eyes, and prominent features.  He had huge hands.  He was Bohemian, and very proud of it.  He spoke Czech, and I remember he and my Grandma speaking Czech when I was little and they didn't want me to understand them.  He had a thick Bohemian accent, but I didn't realize that until I was grown up; that was just the way he talked and I could understand him.  I remember when friends of mine met him, and they couldn't understand him!

My Grandpa could fix everything, and helped a lot of people.  When I was younger I remember him being active - fixing something in his large garage, running an errand to the local hardware store, mowing his HUGE lawn, picking raspberries for me, driving me somewhere, always doing or creating something to make life a little easier and better.

My Grandpa also liked to take naps, read the newspaper, and drive my grandma crazy sometimes. :-)  He always gave my sister Vanessa and I brainteasers and unique puzzles and challenged us to solve them.  Many of them he made for us.

Every Christmas, he found unique ways to give the family members money for Christmas.  I think my all time favorite was when he gave everyone walnuts (I think) and inside of them was their money.  He was VERY clever.

The older I got, the more I realized my Grandpa was always thinking, a deep thinker.  I also think he was very observant and discerning.  I remember him understanding things before they were even said. 

Another thing I noticed as I became more aware, was my Grandpa would talk and be full of stories - but not necessarily in a crowd.  If you had him one-on-one, he was FULL of interesting stories, ideas, and even shared some of the crazy antics he participated in "back in the day".  He was funny!  I've always wanted to video tape him telling stories, sort of interview him, but I didn't.  I horribly regret that.

He didn't have to be the center of attention.  He would sit quietly, taking in more than any of us really knew. 

I will miss my Grandpa immensely, and am very sad that my daughter won't get to remember him.  As the oldest grandchild, I was blessed to have 29 years with him.  He was a silent presence in our family.  And he wasn't even that silent, the rest of us are just loud. :-)

I love my Grandpa, and I know with all of my heart that he loved me, and all of his family, even though he wasn't the best at expressing it. The sparkle in his eyes said it all.  He was very proud of us.

He always waved goodbye with a twinkle in his eye, his large frame easily seen, and gently waved his pointer finger.  It was his signature wave, we all loved it.

I just with I could see his big smile again, hug his big, hard belly, getting lost beneath his chin and hear him say one more time, in his deep, loud voice, "Hello, Girl".
Grandpa, saying goodbye to India in August

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5 Comments:

At January 1, 2011 at 12:38 PM , Blogger DokkestulDiscussion said...

Aww Gen. Thats beautiful. You described him wonderfully. I sent Gina an email last night and mentioned a few of the same things (his ability to fall asleep in a chair so easily and his big ole' yard and the sparkle). You were lucky to have such a wonderful grandpa and to have him for so many years! I loved spending time around your grandparents and getting to witness what it was like to have a "grandpa"still around. IT never occurred to me that someone wouldn't be able to understand him; but now that you say that...i guess your right! LOL

I'm so sad for your loss(even more so that Dallas is not there to be with you) but try to take joy in the fact that he did not suffer and is with his creator at peace, where I know he's still sparkling down at all of you!

 
At January 1, 2011 at 1:08 PM , Blogger Vanessa said...

Gen-I cried reading this. I haven't been able to put into words on my blog a post about Grandpa. You put it perfectly though. I loved that sparkle and the way he quietly watched all of us. Oh and I believe I did do an interview in 4th grade of him (let's just hope we can still find that tape at mom and dad's). He had quite the many funny stories! :)

 
At January 1, 2011 at 5:28 PM , Blogger the mom~ said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my grandfather who was like my best friend while I was pregnant with Abram in June 2005. VERY hard on me. Praying for comfort in your heart Gen.

 
At January 6, 2011 at 11:32 AM , Blogger Uniquely Normal Mom said...

Thank you all so much. All the encouragement helps greatly. We love him and miss him SO much already!

 
At August 9, 2011 at 12:11 PM , Anonymous Kelly said...

I am so sorry for you! I'm praying for you and your family. I cried while reading this whole blog. God Bless

 

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