Back to life, back to reality

We are home after Christmas, an abscessed tooth, a trip to Africa, two blizzards, my Grandpa's death, his funeral, and various other things that I can't even remember because my brain is mush right now.  I'm hoping that maybe life will begin to get back to normal soon.  My mind is tired, my body is tired, and I'm people'd out.

I spent the last couple of days in the town where my Grandparents live, at my Grandpa's visitation and funeral.  It was a tough moment walking into the funeral home just in time to walk into the area where my Grandpa's body was lying, waiting to be mourned and viewed by us.

It's never a fun thing to listen to your family members weep.

My Grandpa's visitation was busy; over 750 people came to show their love and support for my Grandpa and his family, some people waiting in line for up to two hours to see my Grandpa and greet the family.  It was a long day for all of us.

My Grandpa is loved, that is for sure, and I'm thankful for every single person who stopped by the visitation or came to the funeral.  It was great to see so many extended family members and friends of my Grandparents, all of whom I haven't seen for years.

To all of you who have sent messages, texts, called, etc, THANK YOU!  Life was too crazy there for a bit, but I plan on responding to you soon!  I just need some time right now to regroup...

During the visitation, I received word that my husband, who was returning from Ghana, Africa, was now going to be delayed over night in New York, and most likely missing my Grandpa's funeral. His flight was set to arrive too close to the funeral, and I didn't know if I'd be able to make it to the airport and back in time for the funeral.  And I wasn't willing to take that chance!  Dallas was most likely, going to be stuck at the airport most of the day. I was upset, but couldn't do much about it. 

My godparents, Jim and Shirley (my cousin Matt's parents), came to the visitation, and when they heard that Dallas was delayed, Shirley volunteered to pick him up and drive him to the funeral since she was coming anyways!  It was so nice to have Dallas there for support, as we closed my Grandpa's coffin right before we proceeded into the funeral.

Ah yes, the funeral.  It went as well as a funeral could go.  My Uncle Bruce shared some great memories of my Grandpa, and he did such a good job describing my Grandpa and his life.  It was my favorite part of the funeral.

I learned a lot of things about my Grandpa.  One of the neatest things was the fact that in 52 years of marriage, he never once took off his wedding ring, not even during surgeries!  My Grandpa didn't go around oozing love songs, but that was his way of saying 'I love you' to my Grandma.  Precious.
My sister and I sang Amazing Grace, and thankfully we made it through it without crying.  That was miraculous.

The funeral was finished with my godmother Shirley's Dad singing my Grandpa's favorite song, Pisnicka Ceska (Song of Bohemia).  While it was being sung, I could hear the older people singing the song in Czech.  It was a wonderful sound. But at the same time, it was sad, as it was also signifying the soon to be end of a generation, as none of the grand kids could even pretend to sing even one word of the beautiful song.

The burial was of course difficult, especially while Taps was played and they handed my Grandma the flag that graced my Grandpa's coffin.  We were blessed with a light sprinkling of snow as we said our final farewells to my Grandpa's mortal body. 

I think the biggest shame in all of it was my Grandpa, the one we were all there celebrating, wasn't even there to receive all that love.  I decided I'm going to have and Un-Funeral when I get old.  Everyone that loves me will be invited to say their goodbyes and take lots of pictures with me.  And we'll eat ham sandwiches.  I told my cousin Jill about my plan and she said, "well, wouldn't everyone just cry?", implying how awkward it would be.  I guess she's right, but I'd rather be celebrated while I'm alive.

Dallas and I said our goodbyes, and the three of us, tired beyond all reason, and for all different reasons, took off, longing for our home.

Dallas had an amazing time in Ghana, and love it there!  We talked the whole four hour car ride home about it!  He loved the kids there and from everything that I have heard, they loved him the same!  There is NO doubt in my mind, that he would do an excellent job!  The kids gave Dallas a djembe drum, something he has wanted for years!  It's absolutely beautiful, and means so much to him already.

I also think it was fun for him to get to know the Korum's, a wonderful family who lives there and have been family friends since way before I was born. :-)

Dallas hit the ground running, straight to my Grandpa's funeral, and went right back to work this morning, and went right back to work this morning, and the day won't be done until late as we have small group tonight.  I do admire my husband's commitment to lead and guide others, in spite of his own tiredness!  BUT, we also haven't even done our own family Christmas yet....hopefully we'll get to that on Saturday!

I'm ready for life to settle down a bit.  I'm ready for normal naps, healthy food, cloth diapers (TMI - we have the worst poo-plosions with disposables and lots of stained clothes), some down time, and most of all just time to snuggle with my two favorite people in the world!

Love you all, and congratulations if you made it to the end of this emotionally scrambled blog post!  Thank you all for your support during this time. Back to regular blogging tomorrow!

My heart hurts

My Grandpa Ellard died unexpectedly last night.  New Years Eve, 2010.  What a crappy ending to the year.

Many people wouldn't turn to their personal blog to detail their loss of someone they loved so much, but my husband is gone right now, and I hope you don't mind me working through this process in front of you.  I'm sure many of you can identify with the raging feelings of grief.

We are experiencing our second blizzard in two days, and I decided that since my husband is gone, I would get snowed in at my parents, instead of being home alone for a couple of days.  Now I'm so glad that I'm here, instead alone, dealing with all the emotions.

We had just finished supper and had talked my Dad into playing a crazy card game with all of my brothers and sisters, when my mom answered the phone and quickly gave it to my Dad.  My Dad answered and promptly left the room.  As he was leaving, my Mom said that it was my Dad's sister, Connie, and she sounded upset.

This was a very distressing moment, because I knew something was wrong.  I paced the room, trying to keep my oblivious New-Years-Eve excited siblings under control, all while feeling like I was going to vomit. I made my way to the bathroom and cried in there, then pulled myself together - after all, I didn't even know why my auntie Connie was calling.

I wanted my Dad to get off the phone so I could know what was going on, but at the same time I didn't want to know. 

My Mom said my Dad wanted to talk with me, and as I walked into my parent's bedroom, my Dad didn't say anything.

I just looked at him.  He didn't even tell me.  I knew.

And I just wanted to curl up and cry.  My whole body felt limp.

I made my way to my Daddy's lap, laid my head on his shoulder and wept as he held me. 

I apologized to my Dad over and over again that his Dad was gone.

In all the driving with my Dad yesterday, we talked quite a bit about my Grandpa, and said too bad it's a blizzard, otherwise we would've went and visited for lunch or something.  I hate this stupid blizzard even more now.

I still feel sick.  And sad and angry and frustrated and confused and filled with regret and numb and at peace and empty.

Can you feel all those things at once?  I don't know.

When I saw family members beginning to post on Facebook last night, it was comforting to know we are all feeling the pain of the loss of my grandpa - but yet it was surreal to see it in writing.

We are now beginning the preparations for my grandpa's funeral.  My Sister and I will be singing Amazing Grace.  I have dreaded this day.  Right now, I don't know how I will hold up while trying to sing in front of many people who are mourning a man we all loved.

For those of you that didn't get the opportunity, I want to tell you a little bit about my grandpa. For those of you who did know my Grandpa, I hope these sentiments will resonate in your heart as you recall him with me from his Granddaughter's perspective.

As the oldest grandchild, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, and one of the highlights of my year was staying at my Grandparents house, all by myself, a couple times a year.  They lived about four hours away, so it was a real treat!

My Grandpa was a very tall man, with big brown eyes, and prominent features.  He had huge hands.  He was Bohemian, and very proud of it.  He spoke Czech, and I remember he and my Grandma speaking Czech when I was little and they didn't want me to understand them.  He had a thick Bohemian accent, but I didn't realize that until I was grown up; that was just the way he talked and I could understand him.  I remember when friends of mine met him, and they couldn't understand him!

My Grandpa could fix everything, and helped a lot of people.  When I was younger I remember him being active - fixing something in his large garage, running an errand to the local hardware store, mowing his HUGE lawn, picking raspberries for me, driving me somewhere, always doing or creating something to make life a little easier and better.

My Grandpa also liked to take naps, read the newspaper, and drive my grandma crazy sometimes. :-)  He always gave my sister Vanessa and I brainteasers and unique puzzles and challenged us to solve them.  Many of them he made for us.

Every Christmas, he found unique ways to give the family members money for Christmas.  I think my all time favorite was when he gave everyone walnuts (I think) and inside of them was their money.  He was VERY clever.

The older I got, the more I realized my Grandpa was always thinking, a deep thinker.  I also think he was very observant and discerning.  I remember him understanding things before they were even said. 

Another thing I noticed as I became more aware, was my Grandpa would talk and be full of stories - but not necessarily in a crowd.  If you had him one-on-one, he was FULL of interesting stories, ideas, and even shared some of the crazy antics he participated in "back in the day".  He was funny!  I've always wanted to video tape him telling stories, sort of interview him, but I didn't.  I horribly regret that.

He didn't have to be the center of attention.  He would sit quietly, taking in more than any of us really knew. 

I will miss my Grandpa immensely, and am very sad that my daughter won't get to remember him.  As the oldest grandchild, I was blessed to have 29 years with him.  He was a silent presence in our family.  And he wasn't even that silent, the rest of us are just loud. :-)

I love my Grandpa, and I know with all of my heart that he loved me, and all of his family, even though he wasn't the best at expressing it. The sparkle in his eyes said it all.  He was very proud of us.

He always waved goodbye with a twinkle in his eye, his large frame easily seen, and gently waved his pointer finger.  It was his signature wave, we all loved it.

I just with I could see his big smile again, hug his big, hard belly, getting lost beneath his chin and hear him say one more time, in his deep, loud voice, "Hello, Girl".

Grandpa, saying goodbye to India in August