Process of Forgiveness

I'm normally one who forgives and even forgets pretty quickly. I HATE conflict, and would much rather live at peace. I don't like to stir up controversy. Even though I do have opinions that I share in person and on this blog, I do it because I want to share my heart, not frustrate anyone.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times".

Matthew 18:21-22

I used to read these verses and think about forgiving someone more that 7 times, or 77 times, or 777 times, or as many times as they hurt or offended me, thinking in the context of separate offenses. But maybe this verse is to be thought of as one offense, and you forgive that person 7 times, or 77 times or 777 times, just for that one offense. Maybe forgiveness is a process.

How many times do we think of a time when someone has hurt us, and maybe we have forgiven them, but it still stings?

Or we think poorly of them when their name is mentioned?

Or we walk the other way when we see them in the hallway at church because things are just awkward?

Perhaps that is unforgiveness.

I think that's the example Jesus is talking about here. Everytime we remember an offense, maybe 2 times, maybe 400 times, we need to forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive that ONE offense...because quite often, it is still impacting us.

In sharing my heart, I recently realized that I've been struggling with forgiving someone. I normally get over things pretty quickly, but this has been very difficult for me. Someone in my life was upset that I was having a baby and said some hurtful things about not being able to love my daughter, and talked of anger and hatred towards me and my daughter. Of course, this hurt deep, but also infuriated me. My natural response was not love and forgiveness!

And some days, it still isn't.

I can handle being put down, or people not liking or loving me, but it sure is a lot harder when it's your child, who was innocently born into this.

I know this person is hurting deeply to say those things. Hurting people hurt people.

This morning I realized how much unforgiveness still broods in me when I thought about seeing this person in for future events. I know that I need to try to reconcile in person before more bitterness sweeps in. It won't be an easy task. I will definitely have some very serious things to say, I won't mince words, even though I intend to be kind, but firm and honest.

I'm not saying "forgiveness is forgetting" or letting someone "get away with it" - because it most of the time, it's not.

I know I have forgiven this person tens of times, and have even thought I was "over it". But then this morning, all these emotions came back over me and God spoke to me about how I'm not over it and it still hurts and I need to continue to forgive.

I may feel hurt for a long time, and I may have to forgive hundreds of more times. Am I willing to do that for the sake of relationship and to prevent my own heart from being corroded?

All that I know is that I want to be a woman of grace, love, wisdom and forgiveness. And when I say hurtful things to someone else, and I do, knowingly and unknowingly, I hope others will forgive me over and over and over and over and over and over again - just as I intend to do with this person who has hurt me.

The last thing I want to do is leave a trail of bitterness.