When You Don't Love Your Baby (or feel that your baby isn't yours)

This post takes some guts. Oy.

As women become mothers, we are conditioned to the thought of "love at first sight" when our new bundle of joy arrives.  But for some moms, that isn't the case.  

I've thought of this post countless times for over two years but haven't written it yet because I wasn't ready.  This will probably come as a shock to my family, my friends, my blog readers and even strangers, but it's something that must be written ... and it can happen to anyone.

My son Mylo was born under near perfect conditions.  I had an amazing birth, breastfed with very little issues and am a champion for natural living and emotionally attentive parenting.  But yet, when my son was born, there were no warm feelings, no instantaneous attraction and very little connection.  I thought it would change.  Maybe I was just too tired or maybe it's just a second child thing.  

But a couple months into this two-child gig, nothing had changed.  Filled with embarrassment, I told my husband.  

I didn't feel like I loved my son as my own.

I felt like I was temporarily feeding and caring and changing and singing to someone else's child.  I didn't feel like Mylo belonged to me.  I loved him and had empathy for him as a human being, a helpless babe, but not the overwhelming, brings-tears-to-my-eyes type of love I had for my first child.  

I suppose I could say that things started when his pregnancy took more of a toll on my body.  Part of me blamed him.  It sounds stupid, but yeah, since I'm being honest here, I did blame him.  Things just weren't how they used to be.

We also had some name difficulties.  My husband didn't have time to talk names before the baby was born so when Mylo was born at 42 weeks (I know, we had MORE than enough time to discuss names), I felt rushed into naming him as everyone needed a name for this baby.  It took us two days to announce his name and I wish I could go back in time and take two weeks to consider names, rather than rush the process and throw more fuel onto the already detached relationship.  I couldn't think about his name without regret and am finally to the point of accepting his name.

And then there was the unexplained that went beyond my body or insecurity in a name.  Something bigger than those things.  Something biologically was off.   I just didn't feel much towards him.  I knew enough to feed him, change him, sing to him, hold him, cuddle him, smile at him, wear him in various wraps, slings and carriers, maintain skin-to-skin contact, attend to his needs, kiss him incessantly, rub his legs at diaper changes, talk to him and talk proudly about him.  I constantly called him Mylo My Love and referred to him as my son, my baby, my precious boy.  Outwardly, I knew these things were imperative for bonding - not just mine, but mostly his.  I faked it, hoping Mylo wouldn't notice. My greatest concern was his emotional attachment.  I didn't want to ruin him.  Inwardly, I wondered if the day would ever come where I loved him with all of my being.  

Searching for an explanation, I googled things like, "I don't feel like my baby is mine" and "I don't feel overwhelming love for my baby".  I read postpartum depression articles and checklists, which didn't seem to fit me at all!  I didn't want him gone, I didn't want to hurt him, I was functioning well, I had no anxiety, I was sleeping and eating just fine and had plenty of energy and interests in my everyday activities.   The only descriptor I accurately fit was something along the lines of "lack of feeling towards baby". 

So what the heck was wrong with me?  Why wasn't I head-over-heals for this adorable little baby, who practically came out of the womb smiling? 

It took seven months for me to start feeling crazy love for him.  I'm not sure how things changed but maybe God heard my desperate cries for connection with my boy.  Little by little, my heart started to beat a little faster when I'd catch a glimpse of him drooling, while chewing on a toy.  When I'd hear him chatter, my lips would curve into a smile, as a deep breath of pride filled my lungs.  When he'd catch me watching him and reach out for me, it was like everything else faded and I could hardly contain myself to rush to him and pick him up and kiss him. His big smile and the spark in his eyes, would bring tears of joy to mine.  When his cries could only be satisfied by me, the butterflies would dance in my tummy, signaling he was mine.  During diaper changes, his chubby fingers would grab mine, distracting me from my task and I'd feel those fat wrists, those tiny bones and those small fingernails, forcing me to take a break and enjoy this little gift.

It was my boy reaching out to me.

In retrospect, I should've talked with my midwife.  I knew she wouldn't judge me and would show me kindness and grace.  But could I do the same for myself?  I loathed myself as a mother because of my deficiencies.  Those first seven months are a bit of blur of motions and that still hurts my heart a bit.  I know I was doing the best I could but I still wish I would've reached out for help sooner.  What if it had gotten worse?  

Today, I have an amazing relationship and bond with my son!  He is affectionate, spunky, full of love and a TOTAL mama's boy!  He makes my heart skip beats and tears warm the corners of my eyes daily!
  

I feared sharing this because of judgment.  But I KNOW that I am not alone, as I've had friends sob when they share their stories of ache, betrayal at their perceived ideas of motherhood and confusion.  Maybe, when we as women begin throwing off our masks of perfection and sharing our struggles, we will know it's OK to seek help when things seem off because nearly every other mother around us has felt something similar.  And hopefully the next person who searches "I don't feel like my baby is my own" will find this post and not only learn from my mistakes but know there is hope.

My sweet boy, whom I love with ALL of my heart!

PS: For those of you wondering if Mylo will know all this or are concerned that this post may hurt him down the road ... Yes, Mylo will know all of this someday. It's all written down and explained for him in his journal. He will know that his mama had some problems that weren't his fault at all. However, he will also know that he was wanted, loved and cared for from the start.

Wordless Wednesday: Fun with Mylo

14 things you didn't know (or forgot) about the postpartum days

I've just finished my second round of postpartum days and there were so many things I forgot about.  The days after baby can leave a new mom or a veteran, feeling confused and sometimes even shocked!  This was my second vaginal birth but some of these will apply to c-section mamas too.  Read with caution, folks, I'm all-out honest in this one! 

1. Your tummy is going to look SO small after that baby comes out!  You will feel skinny and maybe even ready to show off a bit.  Yay you, you supermodel! And then, suddenly, it won't.  One day, you'll wake up and feel huge -- almost like you are pregnant.  You'll wonder when the pooch will disappear. (By the way, it takes a lot longer for the pooch to disappear after the second and subsequent pregnancies.) And what are you supposed to wear during these weeks (months)? No one knows! No one has a solution! You can't wear your regular clothes yet and your maternity clothes make you feel really shitty about your life accomplishments or lack thereof. Just know you're not alone, sister.  

Comparing my belly after baby #1 and baby #2, 2 weeks and 6 weeks postpartum. 

2. Speaking of tummies...yours will feel like a loaf of bread dough, sitting on the counter, waiting to rise.  Mushy, squishy, flubby and kind of dried out on the top.  You can shake it around and poke it if you'd like.  In fact, I recommend doing this as it is entertaining.  It's better to laugh than cry, right? 

3. Afterbirth pains are the B word.  These things surprised me after the birth of my first baby.  I remember having a room full of visitors and feeling like I was going to throw up as my uterus was contracting.  Second time around was MUCH worse, especially while nursing.  Oh my, these things hurt!  Some of them were as intense as my contractions towards the end of my labor!  I tried some natural remedies, which took the edge off and I took some Motrin, which made them slightly more tolerable.  My conclusion: they're just going to hurt like the bad mama jamas they are.  Try to remember that they are making your uterus smaller, which is a very, very good thing for many reasons.

4. And since we're getting personal here...you should just change your name to Body Fluid Leaker.  Because that's what it's going to feel like.  You go to the bathroom and leak.  Your baby cries and your boobs leak.  You don't have the right bread at home and you leak tears out of your eyeballs.  You get out of the shower and you don't what you should try to stop and clean up first:  the milk that is leaking everywhere or the blood leaking from your downstairs.  Decisions, decisions.

5. It takes a while to go to the bathroom after a vaginal delivery.  You've got to get the water in the peri bottle the correct temperature, get your ginormous size-of-Texas-pad ready, and make sure your pain relief measures (I use Earth Mama Angel Baby New Mama Bottom Balm- it is the absolute BEST!) are within reach.  Then you need to psych yourself up to pee, get the correct angle to spray (angle is everything) and pee at the same time.  And if you run out of water before you're done peeing? This is the worst. Now how to dry yourself after your personal bidet experience?  Do you use toilet paper and get toilet paper bits stuck to your lady parts?  Do you air dry?  Blow dry?  Just pull up your ginormous postpartum underwear?  That's all for you to figure out.

6. Shit hurts.  Pardon my language, but postpartum poop isn't always very fun.  End of story.  And if you have postpartum hemorrhoids, you need this essential oil - Cypress.  You can order it here from Young Living. I haven't been 'blessed' with hemorrhoids but I hear they are awful.

7. You may be really thirsty or really hungry or you may be neither or everything.  I'm always doggone thirsty in the postpartum days.  Food tastes icky to me and I spend the first few weeks gagging down my meals.

8. Modesty?  Ha!  Yeah, you forgot about that as soon as your first contraction started.  Don't worry, it will (most likely) come back to you at some point.

9. Lochia...you're not just going to bleed blood.  There's blood, tissue, mucus, other stuffs and clots.  And did I mention, other stuffs?  Because there is other stuffs. You may wonder what's going to come out of there next!  A rubber boot?  An old tire?  Sure!  And the clots... It's a little concerning if you don't remember passing clots or no one told you that you would pass clots, and some the size of what feels like a school bus. 

10. Your boobs are gonna hurt.  They might hurt when your baby latches, they might hurt 2 days into your breastfeeding journey, they might hurt when your milk comes in.  Or all of the above. Don't let that discourage you from breastfeeding, just flow with it (get it?) and get help from a lactation consultant. And your boobs are gonna get huge.  You will wonder how something fluid and dainty and so wonderful, like milk, can produce boulders. Who knew? Your boobs used to be so soft and cuddly and pillow-y and now they could be weapons.

11. You just might reach a new level of Craaaaaaaayyyy-zayyyyyy you didn't think was possible. These hormones are no joke. They are better than the best amusement park rollercoaster! I didn't know it was possible to say as many mean things AND loving things to my husband within a 3-minute period of time. And don't kid yourself; maybe you don't say them but we all sure as heck think them! 

12. You might suddenly get an urge to go on a run or rearrange your entire house or repaint your deck, because you feel so empowered that YOU just birthed a baby out of your vagina, but don't do those things.  Just rest.  Self (yes, I REALLY need to hear this), it's OK to rest.  You can run marathons later. OK? OK.

13. You will cry.  And cry.  And cry some more.  Your baby's umbilical stump fell off?  Waterworks, because before you know it, you'll be sending him off to college.  (You may even cry as you debate about throwing out the stump or saving it. Do whatever you want, no judgment here, mama.)  Your baby lets out the cutest little fart and your eyes leak tears because you didn't know anything, anything could be so gosh darn special!  Saw that new car commercial on TV, the one with the car veering effortlessly through the mountains?  Yep, crying, because you're nervous that maybe your baby might not pass his driver's test right away or he might go camping someday and encounter a wild bear or perhaps he'll become a firefighter, risking his life, fighting forest fires in those mountains that the car just drove by!  You will look at your husband and cry, because you can't believe you've been blessed like this.  (You may also tear up when you write a blog post and mention crying.)

14.  There is NOTHING that smells as good as your little baby.  Mmmm!  And there is no rush like nuzzling with your freshling and listening to their breath and watching their milk-drunk sleep smiles.  And their coos and hiccups will give you butterflies!  And I can't think of anything to be more proud of than the feeling of "He's mine -- I made him.  That's my son, I love him and he is worth every bit of this and more."

Wordless Wednesday: Birth Photography Sneak Peek

Laboring together at the hospital.  About to get into the tub to give birth! 

Photos courtesy of Vanessa J.

Postpartum Rest

My son is now one week old and I'm SO in love with him!  While I have relived the moments of his birth so many times in my mind, part of me still feels like I'm pregnant!  Yeesh!  I don't loooooove being pregnant. 

This pregnancy was way easier on me than my first in that I didn't have PUPPP or many of the other ailments that were breaking me down!  Thank God.  After my first pregnancy, I came out of it feeling like I needed a vacation.  India was a great sleeper (so is Mylo!) so I got good sleep at night, but what really wore me out was the postpartum period. 

Yes, those postpartum days were rough.

Between a tiring pregnancy, adapting to life with a newborn, Caaa-RAAAY-Zay hormones, a body that hadn't had a chance to rest after labor and birth, learning how to breastfeed, healing physically and a steady stream of visitors and well-wishers, by about 5 days postpartum, I was done with it all! 

We started dreaming of 'the next time' and the things we could do differently.

Many of the above are things I can't control - adapting to life with two little ones, healing, adapting to newbornland again (as I affectionately like to call it), and weird hormones - all out of my control.

But there were several steps we took to try to make this postpartum period as stress-free as possible.

~We made freezer meals.  I made 25 of them about a month before my due date.  This has freed up a lot of time and thought - we just grab whatever sounds good out of the freezer and toss it in the convection oven.  Minimal mess and dishes as well! 

~My husband took time off of work (for the most part) and committed to being home to help.  On days when he's been home and I'm not on my feet, it is unbelievable how much better I feel physically.  He has done the majority of the housework...me likey!

~I committed to napping and resting as wanted/needed.  If that means I play a movie for India and I lay down on the couch, so be it.  Or it might mean taking both kids to bed and taking a nap together.  Or maybe my husband watches India while Mylo and I sleep.  I don't think I got a nap in until about 10 days postpartum with India.  It wasn't good.

~We've said 'no' to visitors outside of the hospital.  This was one we wanted to implement after India was born, so I could rest, take baths and recuperate, but we didn't.  We both agreed that there would be no visitors this time, as hard as that could be to explain.  The stress of coordinating visitors around sitz baths, naps and breastfeeding, sitting up for hours (ouch on the downstairs!), keeping the house clean and keeping conversation alive when I just really wanted to curl up with my new baby was overwhelming.   Don't get me wrong, it was great to see people and hear their excitement and joy over a new little life, but hours of it for days on end was just too much. 

All of the above have made for a fairly smooth postpartum period - night and day difference from last time.  I have rested, slept and cuddled with my babies, played with my toddler, had time to think and relax and just enjoy this postpartum period by resting.  I've been so thankful for this last week and that it's filled with memories of rest and peace!

After all, before I know it, I'll be chasing these two little ones around, so I better soak up this time while I can! 

My beautiful children!

 
Did you have time to rest postpartum?  Is there anything you would do differently to make your postpartum period more enjoyable?

Naming a Little Person

Giving a name to a pet can take some thought.  Naming a person, can take months of deliberation for some. In some instances, it's fairly simple and doesn't take a lot of consideration.  

For me, it takes months!  I'm the type of person who likes to try to think of everything.  Nicknames, popularity, pronunciation, etc, etc.  Because the meaning and significance of a name means so much to us, I think and perhaps over-analyzed every.single.name that came our way.  Here is a little explanation as to why I think about names so much.

We don't find out the gender of our babies, so we made a list of boy names and a list of girl names.  Girl names are easier for us to agree on.  It's not that we disagree on boy names, it's just that we have a hard time finding ones that meet our criteria.  We can't know anyone else with the name.  Therefore, it has to be unique.  But not too unique...especially for a boy. 

Image courtesy of my sister/photographer/friend, Vanessa, Jewels & Treasures

When our son was born, we tossed around the three or four names we liked and decided we'd just sleep on it.  As the next day arrived, I felt the pressure mounting to name him.  We talked about it and decided that it I needed to let it go and not be bothered by the stress.  We decided to call him by the name that had become our favorite for the next day or so to see if it fit him.  And guess what?  It did! 

I'm so glad we took the last two days to think, pray, observe and let our little man's name sink in!

Introducing....

                                  Mylo Kenneth

Mylo:

~means peaceful, gracious, merciful soldier
~MY LOve
~Mylo was conceived around the time we had a special time away and heard a great band perform, Milo Greene.  Listen to a couple of their top hits, Autumn Tree or 1957  (which our daughter India likes to sing along to).  They have become a favorite and no doubt, inspired our name choice.
~While we both agreed wholeheartedly on the names of our kids, I came up with our daughter's name, India Josephine, and my husband came up with our son's name, Mylo Kenneth.  We didn't plan it that way, or set out to do it like that, it just happened!

Kenneth: 

~means born of fire and handsome

~Dallas' Dad and paternal Grandfather both shared the name of Kenneth
~Dallas' Dad has been an example of a godly, patient and loving man.  Obviously, he has had profound influence on Dallas.  If you know my father-in-law, you know how personable and respected he is: everyone loves him!


     Our prayer is that Mylo Kenneth, our peaceful, gracious boy, would know he is loved and celebrated.  We pray that music and praise will always be a part of his life!  We can only hope he follows in the footsteps of his grandfather, his life seasoned with patience, love for God and a deep sense of concern for others!

Grandpa Ken and Mylo

PS: Yes, we like Coldplay, but Mylo's not named after Mylo Xyloto! ;)

It's a....

BOY!!!!

We are thrilled to announce the arrival of our son on Tuesday, August 14, 2012! 
He was born at 2:34 am, at almost 42 weeks gestation.

He is gorgeous and peaceful and I'm thrilled to have a little boy! 
LOTS of cool details surrounding his last days in my belly and his birth was a dream come true!

His birth story will come sometime soon...
...as will his name. 

But for now, here he is!

Wordless Wednesday: Maternity Photos

I can't believe I forgot to share these with you all!  Enjoy all these baby bump pictures and hopefully, the next photos I share with you will be of me holding my little one! 

Photos courtesy of Vanessa J.

Hospital Packing List

It's always kind of fun to dig in another person's suitcase.  What?  You don't rummage through a stranger's suitcase?  ;-)  Well, I'm going to share with you what is in my suitcase for the hospital. 

Since I'm due NOW, I thought it'd be a good time to pack for the hospital.  Just kidding.  No, I've been packed since about 38 weeks.  But mentally, I've known what I'm going to bring since my last birth two years ago.

When I went into labor with my daughter, I didn't have much packed.  We had been really busy and hadn't had much time to prepare for the big day(s).  Maybe some of you remember how I begged my husband to install the car seat for weeks beforehand but he was too busy and so I ended up installing it by myself WHILE in labor! 

That is NOT happening again! 

I over pack all the time.  I will admit that I could be on the list of Overpackers Anonymous, leading the crew and unfortunately, my husband could join me.  We pack differently though.  I bring 3 outfits per day and he brings 13 electronic devices or adapting cords per day.  Thank God he has a Kindle, otherwise, he'd still haul around his 30 pound briefcase with a couple of LARGE reference Bibles, laptop, magazines and several books. 

With our first baby, we over packed.  I knew that at the time and I didn't care, but this time, I'm trying to only bring the essentials!  It's kind of a theme that I'm trying to let resonate throughout my entire life...worry only about the essentials!

What I will bring to the hospital: 

1. Bathrobe

2. Nursing PJs, just in case.  I wore the hospital gowns postpartum and I'll probably do the same this time - less laundry and mess for me!

3. Flippy floppys.  I wore these like slippers last time and it worked great!

4. Cameras.  Absolutely!

5. A list of who to call and who to text with the good news.

6. My laptop. 

7. A boy take home outfit and a girl take home outfit.

8. A boy swaddle blanket and a girl swaddle blanket.

9. A small, handheld mirror.  I wanted to look decent for visitors and pictures, but getting up and doing hair and makeup in the large mirror wasn't my favorite thing.  With a small mirror, I can nurse or hold the baby and touch up my makeup all while laying in bed.  Nice.

10. My favorite snacks for postpartum. Licorice and dark chocolate sound perfect.

11. Earth Mama Bottom Balm and Earth Mama New Mama Bottom Spray.  In fact, this whole postpartum kit is highly recommended!  I use crappy Dermoplast that the hospital provided for the first day before I switched to Earth Mama Angel Baby Products and I can't even describe the difference in relief!
12. Relief for afterbirth pains.  They got me pretty good with India and they only get worse with subsequent pregnancies, or so I've heard.  Arnica Montana, magnesium phosphate, Monthly Comfort Tea and Afterease Tincture are options.

13. Lansinoh cream, coconut oil and nursing pads.  I didn't need these during my first hospital stay, but I've heard your milk can come in faster with second pregnancies.

14. Chapstick, makeup, and lotion. No shampoo because I'm poo free!

15.  Journal and baby book.  Those first emotions, so weighed down with hormones, are precious to capture.  

16. A hand fan.  This was the BEST labor item we had with.   My husband used it to fan me gently during contractions.

17. Comfy clothes for me.  As stated, I wore the hospital gown for the first day or two because it was less laundry for me, but I will have a couple shirts, a pair of shorts and a pair of pants with if I choose to wear them.  

18.  A birthing skirt.  I didn't buy or make one, but I just used a wrap skirt from India (conveniently, I ended up having a girl and naming her India).  I could easily untie it and didn't have to lift my legs, it wasn't too tight and I felt very comfortable in it.
19. Boppy pillow.  I brought this last time and said I wouldn't do it again, but I didn't have hardly any breastfeeding issues with India, so a regular pillow sufficed.  But I figure I can bring it with and leave it in the car to use when/if needed. 

My stuff and Baby's stuff is all packed and ready to go!

What I won't bring again:

1. Massage/birthing helps - I couldn't even talk in between contractions because I was vomiting and shaking so I had no time to tell anyone what I wanted/needed.  Even if I could have talked, I didn't want much touching me.  My hospital has plenty of useful helps if needed.

2. 8,034 articles of clothing - I'm just sticking with the basics.  A couple shirts and comfy pants.

3. Pads - The hospital provided me with plenty for my stay.  I can always send the husband out to buy HUGE maxi pads if I would need more.  He'd love to do that!

4.  Books and playing cards.  Excuse me, but who has time to do that during labor?!?  I can understand if you're opting for the epidural, but even natural labor sites suggested these items.  "Excuse me from this game of Pinochle, I'm having a contraction."  No.  And afterwards?  I just wanted to kiss my baby!  I wasn't bored for one minute last time!

My bag is packed, I'm ready to go!  Now all I need is a baby! 


What did you find useful in your hospital bag?  Am I missing anything? 

The Differences Between First and Second Pregnancies

I learned a few things with my first pregnancy.  Don't we all?  Being pregnant for the first time really provokes a lot of amazing emotions and feelings.  The excitement, wonder, gratefulness and mild anxiety fill nearly every waking moment.

You still have those same feelings with a second (and I assume subsequent) pregnancy, except it is now spread between the baby growing within and the little one dancing around your feet.  Or playing in the toilet water.

I've been making this list since the first trimester, editing as I went along.  Here are a few differences I've noticed between a first and second pregnancy.

1. You get bigger faster.  

Just like everyone says.  AND, it just may happen overnight!  I didn't wear very many maternity clothes with my first pregnancy and stayed in regular jeans the whole time.  I thought that getting back into shape would also keep me from expanding more than I did with my first pregnancy, but even getting my 6-pack abs back (don't judge me, they're hereditary) didn't do a thing for me.  I was actually in better physical shape starting pregnancy #2 versus pregnancy #1.  

This picture comparison details it perfectly.  They were both taken at about 30 weeks, but in the second picture, I look about the size I did when I was 35 weeks with my first pregnancy, even though I'm about 10 pounds lighter.  Go figure!  I did have a cheeseburger and fries for lunch and 6 pieces of pizza for dinner, so I know it's exaggerated a bit, but still.

30 weeks with Baby #1 and 30 weeks with Baby #2

2. People aren't as excited.  

Just because you maybe had crying, cheering, hugs and lots of congratulations the first time around doesn't mean you'll be met with the same reception the second time.  For us, when we shared our exciting news, some people were thrilled, some were happy and some acted like we told them we were getting a new pair of socks or a pet fish.  We had friends and strangers that we more excited than some family members.  Yes, it can be hurtful, but revel with those who are excited about you and your bump!  Try not to let it get to you - you are the parent and you know how amazing and precious this life is! 


3. You don't get bothered as much.  

The fact that people leave you alone in a way, don't ask you about every personal detail and sometimes don't ask a thing at all about your pregnancy can be an OK thing.  As a first time mom, everyone has an advice, story, thought, question, or raised eyebrow to give you.  

Also, I knew to expect the same questions every time we saw people the first time around.  I haven't noticed that as much with this pregnancy.  They either figure I've got it down or maybe they think I'm too far gone!   

4. You don't buy lots of crap.  

You know now that you need very few things for a baby.  Boobs, a bed, diapers and some clothes and most of the time, you have a content baby.  I knew that I didn't need much with my first pregnancy, and didn't buy the usual crib, bedding set with 2 matching lamps, 3 types of bouncers/rockers, and every toy marketed to the 0-3 month age, but I still did cave with a few things.  You learn that babies don't really care about toys at that age, the lamp will break, your second baby is a different gender rendering the crib bedding useless, and your kid hated all 3 bouncers.

5. You still need things.

Even though you don't get sucked into all the baby paraphernalia, you still realize that this time, you're getting this, this and that.  I naively assumed that because we got all we needed with baby #1, we wouldn't need much for baby #2.  Wrong.  Things wear out, break, get lost or get recalled.  And it's not just clothes.  You realize that instead of this, that would be more beneficial.  

If you're like me, you're going to splurge on something you didn't get the first time around and just made work (small size cloth diapers) and get what you want instead (newborn cloth diapers).  And of course, there are the additional expenses that you never had before like, a place to sleep for two children and a double stroller (yes, I want one because I need exercise to keep sane).

6. You don't have time to dote.   

Maybe it's because I was sick all the time with my daughter, but I remember reading baby name books and recording videos of her kicking in my tummy and singing to her.  I've been lucky to take weekly pictures of my pregnancy progression this pregnancy and haven't had time to read more than a book or two relating to pregnancy.  Sometimes I feel guilty that every time I talk to this baby, India interrupts or grabs my belly or has to come sit by me and talk to or kiss the baby, but that's just reality now. 

7. It goes faster!  

Can I get an AMEN?!  I really, really, really try not to complain while pregnant (in spite of some unhappy ailments) because I do want to be grateful for every day that I have the privilege of growing this little one in the best environment possible.  But, if I'm being honest, the majority of the last trimester could also be called I-can't-wait-to-get-this-baby-out-NOW trimester!  Because we don't find out the gender of our babies, the anticipation of baby's birth day is looked forward to!  

What differences did you notice between your first and second (or subsequent) pregnancies?  

Choosing Who Will Be at the Birth of My Child

I've said it before and I'm saying it again now: in spite of having a blog where I deal out the intricacies of my life so thousands of strangers all around the world can read them, I really am a private person. :) I'm pretty calculated and think through things (or talk).  Nearly every decision of mediocre importance takes contemplation.  

The choice of who to have present at the birth of my second child is big decision for me, because I am fairly guarded. 

For some people, it's easy to invite all grandparents, aunts, uncles and close friends to take part in different parts of the birth.  That's NOT me!  In fact, I think most women who labor naturally want a quiet, dark space, with only their most trusted within reach.  

If it's up to me, I don't want to see anyone for about 24 hours after the birth and I want to just rest with my baby!  I didn't have that with India (Daddy was a little too excited and couldn't wait to show off his baby girl), and I didn't even take a nap until India was about 10 days old!  That's not happening again, even the husband agrees as he saw what it did to me. 

With India, my first, I knew I wanted a doula.  I interviewed a couple of doulas and settled immediately with a great gal, who was just starting up her doula business.  I had peace as soon as we started talking that this was the person, besides my husband and midwife, who was going to be present at the birth of our child.  I decided fairly early in pregnancy to go with her.  India's birth went great and I was thankful for everything she did for us!

I discovered that during India's labor and birth, I relied heavily on my husband.  Leaning on him, looking to him, and holding his hand while I listened to his comforting voice.  I could get away without anyone else there if he was by my side constantly. 

But if he needed a break, or had to do something, I was all over my doula.  I've learned I need secondary support there, just for additional reassurance, support and strength.

So who do I pick?

A doula?  We can't really afford one right now but I did have a great experience with my doula.  I know they are completely underpaid and their work is invaluable.

A friend or family member?  Maybe.  Can they be confidential and are they willing to support my birth choices?  Will our relationship remain intact if I tell them 'no' or I change my mind and want them to skip out on something?

Just a photographer?  Then rely on my midwife or a nurse if my husband has to step out for a bit?

No one?  That could work.  It is a beautiful, intimate moment, so just my husband's presence sounds good.  But then he doesn't get much of a break and has to be husband, dad, and photographer.

In spite of many unknowns, there are a few things I do know!

Whoever will be present at this birth must:

~Show confidentiality.  Remember, I'm a private person and naturally untrusting...  If I even smell the slightest hint that this person would share with others any details of my life or events that happen during this labor and birth without my consent, they're X'ed off my list immediately.  With my doula with India, we didn't know each other but I could tell she wasn't going to gossip or share with anyone.  To me, that was her most valuable asset.  Knowing someone is trustworthy means the world to me.

~Be natural-minded.  Yes, birth can be a great teaching opportunity, but I'm not up to being the guinea pig in this situation.  I thought about letting some people in that don't have kids yet (my first doula didn't), as long as they are helpful with my choices.  I need and want someone there who will support my decision to labor naturally, without interventions, for as long as it takes.  For those of you who have been there, you know the doubts that can enter your mind, so having someone who has the same goals and supports your intentions is critical.

~They need to be able to use a camera.  Sounds funny, but they do!  I don't need a photographer or someone with a fancy camera, they just need to be able to point and shoot when baby is born.  

Here I am, entering my third trimester and I haven't picked anyone to be a part of this momentous experience.  It is a big deal to me.  This child will only be physically born one time - there are no do-overs and although I don't expect perfection, I do want to look back with fondness (as I do with India's birth) on one of the greatest days of my life.

Our little family less than 10 minutes after India was born!

How did you decide who was present at the birth of your children?  What supportive qualities were important to you as you made that choice?

Wordless Wednesday: Kisses for Baby!

Wordless Wednesday: 16 Weeks Pregnant!

16 peeks pregnant - this is about what I looked like at 20 weeks pregnant with India, minus the bubble around my belly button (it's a hernia).