Thursday, May 10, 2012

Choosing Who Will Be at the Birth of My Child

I've said it before and I'm saying it again now: in spite of having a blog where I deal out the intricacies of my life so thousands of strangers all around the world can read them, I really am a private person. :) I'm pretty calculated and think through things (or talk).  Nearly every decision of mediocre importance takes contemplation.  

The choice of who to have present at the birth of my second child is big decision for me, because I am fairly guarded. 

For some people, it's easy to invite all grandparents, aunts, uncles and close friends to take part in different parts of the birth.  That's NOT me!  In fact, I think most women who labor naturally want a quiet, dark space, with only their most trusted within reach.  

If it's up to me, I don't want to see anyone for about 24 hours after the birth and I want to just rest with my baby!  I didn't have that with India (Daddy was a little too excited and couldn't wait to show off his baby girl), and I didn't even take a nap until India was about 10 days old!  That's not happening again, even the husband agrees as he saw what it did to me. 

With India, my first, I knew I wanted a doula.  I interviewed a couple of doulas and settled immediately with a great gal, who was just starting up her doula business.  I had peace as soon as we started talking that this was the person, besides my husband and midwife, who was going to be present at the birth of our child.  I decided fairly early in pregnancy to go with her.  India's birth went great and I was thankful for everything she did for us!

I discovered that during India's labor and birth, I relied heavily on my husband.  Leaning on him, looking to him, and holding his hand while I listened to his comforting voice.  I could get away without anyone else there if he was by my side constantly. 

But if he needed a break, or had to do something, I was all over my doula.  I've learned I need secondary support there, just for additional reassurance, support and strength.

So who do I pick?

A doula?  We can't really afford one right now but I did have a great experience with my doula.  I know they are completely underpaid and their work is invaluable.

A friend or family member?  Maybe.  Can they be confidential and are they willing to support my birth choices?  Will our relationship remain intact if I tell them 'no' or I change my mind and want them to skip out on something?

Just a photographer?  Then rely on my midwife or a nurse if my husband has to step out for a bit?

No one?  That could work.  It is a beautiful, intimate moment, so just my husband's presence sounds good.  But then he doesn't get much of a break and has to be husband, dad, and photographer.

In spite of many unknowns, there are a few things I do know!

Whoever will be present at this birth must:

~Show confidentiality.  Remember, I'm a private person and naturally untrusting...  If I even smell the slightest hint that this person would share with others any details of my life or events that happen during this labor and birth without my consent, they're X'ed off my list immediately.  With my doula with India, we didn't know each other but I could tell she wasn't going to gossip or share with anyone.  To me, that was her most valuable asset.  Knowing someone is trustworthy means the world to me.

~Be natural-minded.  Yes, birth can be a great teaching opportunity, but I'm not up to being the guinea pig in this situation.  I thought about letting some people in that don't have kids yet (my first doula didn't), as long as they are helpful with my choices.  I need and want someone there who will support my decision to labor naturally, without interventions, for as long as it takes.  For those of you who have been there, you know the doubts that can enter your mind, so having someone who has the same goals and supports your intentions is critical.

~They need to be able to use a camera.  Sounds funny, but they do!  I don't need a photographer or someone with a fancy camera, they just need to be able to point and shoot when baby is born.  

Here I am, entering my third trimester and I haven't picked anyone to be a part of this momentous experience.  It is a big deal to me.  This child will only be physically born one time - there are no do-overs and although I don't expect perfection, I do want to look back with fondness (as I do with India's birth) on one of the greatest days of my life.

Our little family less than 10 minutes after India was born!

How did you decide who was present at the birth of your children?  What supportive qualities were important to you as you made that choice?

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5 Comments:

At May 10, 2012 at 12:31 PM , Anonymous Lori said...

Love this post Gen, and I totally know how you feel!  For me, both times, it was my husband and midwife and that's it.  My bro-in-law was there for a little bit of my second delivery (because he randomly happened to be in town and Caroline came early)  but I kicked him out long before anything got serious :o)  I, too, am very private about such things and wanted natural deliveries (which I had)  :o)

 
At May 10, 2012 at 12:31 PM , Anonymous Amber Robohm said...

We definitely stuck to just my husband and birthing staff. I had no family that could be respectful of our choices  while being a real help. I had to ask the nurse to grab my camera out of my purse, so I do wish I had at least a photographer available. I missed out on precious first photos with our first, and barely remembered to ask with the second. My vote goes for the photographer.

 
At May 10, 2012 at 1:09 PM , Anonymous Stacie said...

I've had my mom at all my births and she's been that person when the hubby leaves the room, she's also pretty handy with a camera. She's my best girl friend, extremely confidential and knows me inside and out. She sometimes knows what I want before I do! I agree that you need to have someone other than your husband and midwife if you want to capture those precious photos and have less to worry about. I too am an extremely private person and actually had several people ask if they could come to the birth. Are you kidding me?! I wouldn't want a lot of details of that day shared with too many people. Having a home birth is also not something most people are comfortable with so having people that support what we've chosen was really important too. You need to feel 100% comfortable with the people in your birthing room so take your time in deciding! I think if you have a close friend/relative that you feel comfortable with, they would be honored and hopefully super supportive. 

 
At May 10, 2012 at 4:19 PM , Anonymous jewelsntreasures said...

I understand your thinking. With our first, we really just wanted it to be us as it was a special time/moment. I don't regret that, but sometimes I wonder if I had hired a Doula or had you there, if it would have gone better?? With Meridian the only person I could imagine being with me besides Chris, was you and I wanted you to take care of Zoelle! :) Ha! If we ever have another, I am almost positive we will either have you there, or have a photographer as I really want those after birth precious pictures of baby.  So yeah, that doesn't help you at all, but  I just wanted to share! I think you will know what to do when that day comes!

 
At May 11, 2012 at 7:40 AM , Anonymous megan hanson said...

I had decided before birth to have my husband, my sister, a doula and the midwife who also brought along a helper since I was going to have a homebirth. I was nervous about having so many people there but I was extremely glad that I did. I needed all that extra support through my long labor and had to have at least 2 people putting pressure on my back due to back labor. It was nice for them also because they each got a break. My poor husband never really got a break because every time he would go to get some sleep I would ask for him back :) 

 

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