Choosing Who Will Be at the Birth of My Child

I've said it before and I'm saying it again now: in spite of having a blog where I deal out the intricacies of my life so thousands of strangers all around the world can read them, I really am a private person. :) I'm pretty calculated and think through things (or talk).  Nearly every decision of mediocre importance takes contemplation.  

The choice of who to have present at the birth of my second child is big decision for me, because I am fairly guarded. 

For some people, it's easy to invite all grandparents, aunts, uncles and close friends to take part in different parts of the birth.  That's NOT me!  In fact, I think most women who labor naturally want a quiet, dark space, with only their most trusted within reach.  

If it's up to me, I don't want to see anyone for about 24 hours after the birth and I want to just rest with my baby!  I didn't have that with India (Daddy was a little too excited and couldn't wait to show off his baby girl), and I didn't even take a nap until India was about 10 days old!  That's not happening again, even the husband agrees as he saw what it did to me. 

With India, my first, I knew I wanted a doula.  I interviewed a couple of doulas and settled immediately with a great gal, who was just starting up her doula business.  I had peace as soon as we started talking that this was the person, besides my husband and midwife, who was going to be present at the birth of our child.  I decided fairly early in pregnancy to go with her.  India's birth went great and I was thankful for everything she did for us!

I discovered that during India's labor and birth, I relied heavily on my husband.  Leaning on him, looking to him, and holding his hand while I listened to his comforting voice.  I could get away without anyone else there if he was by my side constantly. 

But if he needed a break, or had to do something, I was all over my doula.  I've learned I need secondary support there, just for additional reassurance, support and strength.

So who do I pick?

A doula?  We can't really afford one right now but I did have a great experience with my doula.  I know they are completely underpaid and their work is invaluable.

A friend or family member?  Maybe.  Can they be confidential and are they willing to support my birth choices?  Will our relationship remain intact if I tell them 'no' or I change my mind and want them to skip out on something?

Just a photographer?  Then rely on my midwife or a nurse if my husband has to step out for a bit?

No one?  That could work.  It is a beautiful, intimate moment, so just my husband's presence sounds good.  But then he doesn't get much of a break and has to be husband, dad, and photographer.

In spite of many unknowns, there are a few things I do know!

Whoever will be present at this birth must:

~Show confidentiality.  Remember, I'm a private person and naturally untrusting...  If I even smell the slightest hint that this person would share with others any details of my life or events that happen during this labor and birth without my consent, they're X'ed off my list immediately.  With my doula with India, we didn't know each other but I could tell she wasn't going to gossip or share with anyone.  To me, that was her most valuable asset.  Knowing someone is trustworthy means the world to me.

~Be natural-minded.  Yes, birth can be a great teaching opportunity, but I'm not up to being the guinea pig in this situation.  I thought about letting some people in that don't have kids yet (my first doula didn't), as long as they are helpful with my choices.  I need and want someone there who will support my decision to labor naturally, without interventions, for as long as it takes.  For those of you who have been there, you know the doubts that can enter your mind, so having someone who has the same goals and supports your intentions is critical.

~They need to be able to use a camera.  Sounds funny, but they do!  I don't need a photographer or someone with a fancy camera, they just need to be able to point and shoot when baby is born.  

Here I am, entering my third trimester and I haven't picked anyone to be a part of this momentous experience.  It is a big deal to me.  This child will only be physically born one time - there are no do-overs and although I don't expect perfection, I do want to look back with fondness (as I do with India's birth) on one of the greatest days of my life.

Our little family less than 10 minutes after India was born!

How did you decide who was present at the birth of your children?  What supportive qualities were important to you as you made that choice?