When You Don't Love Your Baby (or feel that your baby isn't yours)

This post takes some guts. Oy.

As women become mothers, we are conditioned to the thought of "love at first sight" when our new bundle of joy arrives.  But for some moms, that isn't the case.  

I've thought of this post countless times for over two years but haven't written it yet because I wasn't ready.  This will probably come as a shock to my family, my friends, my blog readers and even strangers, but it's something that must be written ... and it can happen to anyone.

My son Mylo was born under near perfect conditions.  I had an amazing birth, breastfed with very little issues and am a champion for natural living and emotionally attentive parenting.  But yet, when my son was born, there were no warm feelings, no instantaneous attraction and very little connection.  I thought it would change.  Maybe I was just too tired or maybe it's just a second child thing.  

But a couple months into this two-child gig, nothing had changed.  Filled with embarrassment, I told my husband.  

I didn't feel like I loved my son as my own.

I felt like I was temporarily feeding and caring and changing and singing to someone else's child.  I didn't feel like Mylo belonged to me.  I loved him and had empathy for him as a human being, a helpless babe, but not the overwhelming, brings-tears-to-my-eyes type of love I had for my first child.  

I suppose I could say that things started when his pregnancy took more of a toll on my body.  Part of me blamed him.  It sounds stupid, but yeah, since I'm being honest here, I did blame him.  Things just weren't how they used to be.

We also had some name difficulties.  My husband didn't have time to talk names before the baby was born so when Mylo was born at 42 weeks (I know, we had MORE than enough time to discuss names), I felt rushed into naming him as everyone needed a name for this baby.  It took us two days to announce his name and I wish I could go back in time and take two weeks to consider names, rather than rush the process and throw more fuel onto the already detached relationship.  I couldn't think about his name without regret and am finally to the point of accepting his name.

And then there was the unexplained that went beyond my body or insecurity in a name.  Something bigger than those things.  Something biologically was off.   I just didn't feel much towards him.  I knew enough to feed him, change him, sing to him, hold him, cuddle him, smile at him, wear him in various wraps, slings and carriers, maintain skin-to-skin contact, attend to his needs, kiss him incessantly, rub his legs at diaper changes, talk to him and talk proudly about him.  I constantly called him Mylo My Love and referred to him as my son, my baby, my precious boy.  Outwardly, I knew these things were imperative for bonding - not just mine, but mostly his.  I faked it, hoping Mylo wouldn't notice. My greatest concern was his emotional attachment.  I didn't want to ruin him.  Inwardly, I wondered if the day would ever come where I loved him with all of my being.  

Searching for an explanation, I googled things like, "I don't feel like my baby is mine" and "I don't feel overwhelming love for my baby".  I read postpartum depression articles and checklists, which didn't seem to fit me at all!  I didn't want him gone, I didn't want to hurt him, I was functioning well, I had no anxiety, I was sleeping and eating just fine and had plenty of energy and interests in my everyday activities.   The only descriptor I accurately fit was something along the lines of "lack of feeling towards baby". 

So what the heck was wrong with me?  Why wasn't I head-over-heals for this adorable little baby, who practically came out of the womb smiling? 

It took seven months for me to start feeling crazy love for him.  I'm not sure how things changed but maybe God heard my desperate cries for connection with my boy.  Little by little, my heart started to beat a little faster when I'd catch a glimpse of him drooling, while chewing on a toy.  When I'd hear him chatter, my lips would curve into a smile, as a deep breath of pride filled my lungs.  When he'd catch me watching him and reach out for me, it was like everything else faded and I could hardly contain myself to rush to him and pick him up and kiss him. His big smile and the spark in his eyes, would bring tears of joy to mine.  When his cries could only be satisfied by me, the butterflies would dance in my tummy, signaling he was mine.  During diaper changes, his chubby fingers would grab mine, distracting me from my task and I'd feel those fat wrists, those tiny bones and those small fingernails, forcing me to take a break and enjoy this little gift.

It was my boy reaching out to me.

In retrospect, I should've talked with my midwife.  I knew she wouldn't judge me and would show me kindness and grace.  But could I do the same for myself?  I loathed myself as a mother because of my deficiencies.  Those first seven months are a bit of blur of motions and that still hurts my heart a bit.  I know I was doing the best I could but I still wish I would've reached out for help sooner.  What if it had gotten worse?  

Today, I have an amazing relationship and bond with my son!  He is affectionate, spunky, full of love and a TOTAL mama's boy!  He makes my heart skip beats and tears warm the corners of my eyes daily!
  

I feared sharing this because of judgment.  But I KNOW that I am not alone, as I've had friends sob when they share their stories of ache, betrayal at their perceived ideas of motherhood and confusion.  Maybe, when we as women begin throwing off our masks of perfection and sharing our struggles, we will know it's OK to seek help when things seem off because nearly every other mother around us has felt something similar.  And hopefully the next person who searches "I don't feel like my baby is my own" will find this post and not only learn from my mistakes but know there is hope.

My sweet boy, whom I love with ALL of my heart!

PS: For those of you wondering if Mylo will know all this or are concerned that this post may hurt him down the road ... Yes, Mylo will know all of this someday. It's all written down and explained for him in his journal. He will know that his mama had some problems that weren't his fault at all. However, he will also know that he was wanted, loved and cared for from the start.

Wordless Wednesday: Fun with Mylo

Wordless Wednesday: Who Do I See?

Wordless Wednesday: Can't Get Enough

Wordless Wednesday: 100% Snuggly

Wordless Wednesday: A Visit from Midwife India

Wordless Wednesday: Mylo's 1st Ball Game!

Wordless Wednesday: Birth Photography Sneak Peek

Laboring together at the hospital.  About to get into the tub to give birth! 

Photos courtesy of Vanessa J.

Wordless Wednesday: 8 Days Old

I am freaking in love!

Postpartum Rest

My son is now one week old and I'm SO in love with him!  While I have relived the moments of his birth so many times in my mind, part of me still feels like I'm pregnant!  Yeesh!  I don't loooooove being pregnant. 

This pregnancy was way easier on me than my first in that I didn't have PUPPP or many of the other ailments that were breaking me down!  Thank God.  After my first pregnancy, I came out of it feeling like I needed a vacation.  India was a great sleeper (so is Mylo!) so I got good sleep at night, but what really wore me out was the postpartum period. 

Yes, those postpartum days were rough.

Between a tiring pregnancy, adapting to life with a newborn, Caaa-RAAAY-Zay hormones, a body that hadn't had a chance to rest after labor and birth, learning how to breastfeed, healing physically and a steady stream of visitors and well-wishers, by about 5 days postpartum, I was done with it all! 

We started dreaming of 'the next time' and the things we could do differently.

Many of the above are things I can't control - adapting to life with two little ones, healing, adapting to newbornland again (as I affectionately like to call it), and weird hormones - all out of my control.

But there were several steps we took to try to make this postpartum period as stress-free as possible.

~We made freezer meals.  I made 25 of them about a month before my due date.  This has freed up a lot of time and thought - we just grab whatever sounds good out of the freezer and toss it in the convection oven.  Minimal mess and dishes as well! 

~My husband took time off of work (for the most part) and committed to being home to help.  On days when he's been home and I'm not on my feet, it is unbelievable how much better I feel physically.  He has done the majority of the housework...me likey!

~I committed to napping and resting as wanted/needed.  If that means I play a movie for India and I lay down on the couch, so be it.  Or it might mean taking both kids to bed and taking a nap together.  Or maybe my husband watches India while Mylo and I sleep.  I don't think I got a nap in until about 10 days postpartum with India.  It wasn't good.

~We've said 'no' to visitors outside of the hospital.  This was one we wanted to implement after India was born, so I could rest, take baths and recuperate, but we didn't.  We both agreed that there would be no visitors this time, as hard as that could be to explain.  The stress of coordinating visitors around sitz baths, naps and breastfeeding, sitting up for hours (ouch on the downstairs!), keeping the house clean and keeping conversation alive when I just really wanted to curl up with my new baby was overwhelming.   Don't get me wrong, it was great to see people and hear their excitement and joy over a new little life, but hours of it for days on end was just too much. 

All of the above have made for a fairly smooth postpartum period - night and day difference from last time.  I have rested, slept and cuddled with my babies, played with my toddler, had time to think and relax and just enjoy this postpartum period by resting.  I've been so thankful for this last week and that it's filled with memories of rest and peace!

After all, before I know it, I'll be chasing these two little ones around, so I better soak up this time while I can! 

My beautiful children!

 
Did you have time to rest postpartum?  Is there anything you would do differently to make your postpartum period more enjoyable?

Naming a Little Person

Giving a name to a pet can take some thought.  Naming a person, can take months of deliberation for some. In some instances, it's fairly simple and doesn't take a lot of consideration.  

For me, it takes months!  I'm the type of person who likes to try to think of everything.  Nicknames, popularity, pronunciation, etc, etc.  Because the meaning and significance of a name means so much to us, I think and perhaps over-analyzed every.single.name that came our way.  Here is a little explanation as to why I think about names so much.

We don't find out the gender of our babies, so we made a list of boy names and a list of girl names.  Girl names are easier for us to agree on.  It's not that we disagree on boy names, it's just that we have a hard time finding ones that meet our criteria.  We can't know anyone else with the name.  Therefore, it has to be unique.  But not too unique...especially for a boy. 

Image courtesy of my sister/photographer/friend, Vanessa, Jewels & Treasures

When our son was born, we tossed around the three or four names we liked and decided we'd just sleep on it.  As the next day arrived, I felt the pressure mounting to name him.  We talked about it and decided that it I needed to let it go and not be bothered by the stress.  We decided to call him by the name that had become our favorite for the next day or so to see if it fit him.  And guess what?  It did! 

I'm so glad we took the last two days to think, pray, observe and let our little man's name sink in!

Introducing....

                                  Mylo Kenneth

Mylo:

~means peaceful, gracious, merciful soldier
~MY LOve
~Mylo was conceived around the time we had a special time away and heard a great band perform, Milo Greene.  Listen to a couple of their top hits, Autumn Tree or 1957  (which our daughter India likes to sing along to).  They have become a favorite and no doubt, inspired our name choice.
~While we both agreed wholeheartedly on the names of our kids, I came up with our daughter's name, India Josephine, and my husband came up with our son's name, Mylo Kenneth.  We didn't plan it that way, or set out to do it like that, it just happened!

Kenneth: 

~means born of fire and handsome

~Dallas' Dad and paternal Grandfather both shared the name of Kenneth
~Dallas' Dad has been an example of a godly, patient and loving man.  Obviously, he has had profound influence on Dallas.  If you know my father-in-law, you know how personable and respected he is: everyone loves him!


     Our prayer is that Mylo Kenneth, our peaceful, gracious boy, would know he is loved and celebrated.  We pray that music and praise will always be a part of his life!  We can only hope he follows in the footsteps of his grandfather, his life seasoned with patience, love for God and a deep sense of concern for others!

Grandpa Ken and Mylo

PS: Yes, we like Coldplay, but Mylo's not named after Mylo Xyloto! ;)

It's a....

BOY!!!!

We are thrilled to announce the arrival of our son on Tuesday, August 14, 2012! 
He was born at 2:34 am, at almost 42 weeks gestation.

He is gorgeous and peaceful and I'm thrilled to have a little boy! 
LOTS of cool details surrounding his last days in my belly and his birth was a dream come true!

His birth story will come sometime soon...
...as will his name. 

But for now, here he is!