My first nurse-in: Thank you, Target

About a month ago, a Texas mother of four, Heather, was shopping at Target with her sleeping infant and a cart full of items.  Her baby woke up, fussy, hungry and needed to eat.  Heather sat down on the floor, behind a jean display, found a remote area of the store by the women's fitting rooms, and fed her baby.  She was covered with a blanket, but that point is really immaterial because what happens next is where the problems lie.  She was confronted by two store employees and asked to face the wall or go in the dressing rooms.  What entailed was several more Target store employees making their dislikes known, despite Heather's legal right to feed her child there. Heather contacted Target's corporate office and got a similar response: they were aware of her legal rights, but still didn't want that happening in their stores and had set different policies in place.  

And so plans for the nationwide Target nurse-in began, which ended up being the largest collective gathering of its sort and has garnered much attention.  Target as a box store it carries tons of breastfeeding-friendly supplies, but it also has a bit of a history of unfriendly responses to breastfeeding mothers.  Target's breastfeeding policy is aware of the law and is somewhat welcoming of breastfeeding, but many of the employees haven't been made aware of this fact.

The intention of the nurse-in was to be peaceful -- nothing obscene or flamboyant.  I wouldn't have gone otherwise.  We were to go and browse, shop, eat and be natural - whether that meant feeding our babies or not.  No signs, no chants, no pow-wows.  Just a reminder, not only to Target, but to other moms that breastfeeding isn't obscene, but it's just something that has to happen sometimes.

I remember when India was young, and I'd so meticulously plan my shopping trips, trying to make sure she was fed and changed and quick! we were out the door hoping to make it through a store before she needed to eat again.  It was stressful and quite often I would end up staying home because I was worried about offending someone.  I know many moms worry about this and stay home.  Eventually, I gained more confidence and skill nursing in public.  In all the times I've nursed in stores, I don't think one person has ever noticed me doing it.  I normally nurse her in a carrier, and you can't tell what I'm doing.  Even while shopping with one of Dallas' friends one time, India needed to eat, so I fed her and he had no idea and we all talked and joked and laughed and walked around the store.  He just thought she was sleeping.   

Today was no different.  A few of us gathered at a Target cafe, got some food and drinks and chatted like old friends, even though we were strangers.  Occasionally a baby would get hungry, get fed and then, right back to normal life.  We did some shopping in the store, played with our kids, and talked about lots of things.  One thing we didn't talk about that much was breastfeeding!  Kind of funny being that we were at a nurse-in, but for us, it wasn't a big deal.  We weren't demanding anything and I don't think one person ever noticed any of us were breastfeeding. I'm all for breastfeeding, but I'm not one to get all protest-ey.  I swore I'd never do something like this, but this was too peaceful to pass up.

The majority of the time, I  publicly breastfeed covered because it works for us.  I prefer that people don't see much of my breasts, whether breastfeeding or cleavage - and I've been blessed with a baby who is fine with a cover (most aren't).  I don't care if you cover or not. 

Funny thing is, I've gotten some really nasty looks when I whip out my breastfeeding cover in public and don't have India in a carrier while she nurses.  Today, India cuddled with me on my lap and not a soul that walked by did a double take while I breastfed her without a cover.  It was a little experiment.  You couldn't see one centimeter of bare skin, so there was nothing to set off any 'alarm' and it just looked like I was rocking my baby.  I guarantee if I did that with a cover on, I would've got the stink eye and many double takes.  It's very interesting how that works!

The complainers on the other side voice concerns over women just "whipping it out" and they "don't want to see boob" or "there's a time and place for that; it's private".  I'm sorry, but if those are your strongest arguments, you need to put a blanket over your head, because breasts and cleavage are everywhere.   On billboards, ads, commercials, magazines YOU buy, tags from clothing YOU buy, movies YOU watch, TV shows YOU watch, YOUR home computer and visible on countless other people you encounter as you go about the course of your day.  While I was at Target, I saw a woman bend over with a low-cut shirt, which revealed more breast than any of us women had showed collectively.  A girl walked out of the store with butt-cheek shorts on (yes, in December!) and no one told her to cover up her booty and there was an appropriate time and place for that.  As I was checking out, I saw magazines with cleavage galore.  No one told them to put it away and "don't whip it out" and instead promoted their display of breasts and the sexual objectification of women by buying that magazine.  

I really don't mean to be crass or snarky, but some of those arguments are ridiculous. 

Of course, I respect people who are all or nothing, deciding that they don't want to see any breasts in any, way, shape or form.  Hopefully, they are diligently petitioning to rid stores of Cosmo, InTouch and Redbook magazines and confronting women who are scantily-clad and asking them to change.  I respect that with all of my heart, because that is conviction followed through, not just ranted about. 

But many of the complainers have found a spot to perch their butts on the hypocritical line between sexy-breasts-are-fine but breasts-for-feeding-are-gross.  If the issue is really that you don't want to see boobs, then follow that through in ALL areas, please.  But don't ever let me catch you showing a drop of cleavage.  :)  

Ultimately, you sometimes have to make the choice to turn your head and not look if something really bothers you that much.  Just like I do when someone is chomping their food in a restaurant or when I see more butt crack on the bleachers at a basketball game than the public toilet sees all night.

I half expected a nurse-in to be yelling and chanting and causing a ruckus in a store.  I don't think those types of nurse-ins do good for the cause of breastfeeding.  But this was exactly the opposite.  I loved that this nurse-in, which at the very last minute, a bunch of things lined up and made it possible for me to go, wasn't bombastic or slamming formula-feeding or even mad at Target. 

It was just a gentle, respectful reminder to all that breastfeeding is normal and way better than a screaming baby, any day! 

Nationwide Target Nurse-In

More blog posts from today's nurse-in and of a similar nature (feel free to link your post in the comments: 

Safiyyah
Sarah
Imperfect Mama 
Public breastfeeding needs respect
Breastfeeding in public IS offensive 

Are breastfeeding mothers being obscene?

Facebook has had a long hate-only relationship with breastfeeding and any pictures of women breastfeeding.

TheLeakyBoob (great name, right?), a Facebook group that supports breastfeeding mothers, and is a solace for moms with many questions, has been deleted again, and again for violating Facebook's terms of service - with no other explanation. Not only that, but several members of the group have been deleted for posting pictures of themselves breastfeeding. 

I know, I know.  About half of you are saying to yourself, "Good! I don't want to see any pictures of breasts".  Believe me, the pictures aren't graphic at all.  You see less breast than what you see on a perfume ad.  I'm pretty sure you see more breast while TV-watching, grocery-aisle-magazine-browsing, ad-viewing, being-amidst-the-general-public type of day than the average picture of one of these mothers feeding her child. 

Who's ringing the alarm in the grocery store aisle?  Who is reporting profiles of the many other sex goddesses and their revealing photos on FB? 

The hypocrisy has been documented over the years, and the problem isn't just with FB, it's a double standard in our society.  If you want to see a post about society's double standard, click here.  If you want to see FB's issue, click here.  PLEASE NOTE:  Both links contain obscene material. I'm not showing this to be risque, I'm only highlighting an issue.

In the midst of their deletion, every mom page (Cafemom,  parenting.com, just to name a few) went nuts and several other FB breastfeeding groups formed and membership skyrocketed.  It has made national news.  Many more lactivists have now been born.

No one knows why the page was shut down.  FB claims it was an accident.  You can read more here.

Now, I consider myself quite the lactivist, and have no problem with seeing other women breastfeed in person or on a photo.  I personally don't post photos of myself breastfeeding because I don't want people seeing any more of me than an accidental cleavage flash every now and then.  I don't know who is viewing what photo, and I'm not comfortable with that.  Like I said, I have nothing wrong with others doing such things, I'm just a generally private person.

Our culture has a complete double standard.  I get nasty looks when I feed my daughter, with a tent over me, with NOTHING exposed at a restaurant.  Yet someone can be in the same restaurant, cleavage out, thong revealed, and they get looked at, but in a completely different way. 

Why the disgust at me?  I'm only lowering the cost of their health care by breastfeeding.  They have eyes with eyelids and heads with necks.  They can look away at my giant nursing cover.  

I'm not being flamboyant or spiteful.  My daughter just wants to eat.

I see things all day long that I don't like or don't agree with.  Mostly, I ignore those things.  I chose to look away when the Victoria's Secret ads on TV.  But yet the same guys who awkwardly clear the  house  room when I breastfeed, can't peel their eyes off the NFL cheerleaders.  The same women who get skeeved out by me breastfeeding , turn on their Jersey Shore or daily soap opera and see that as normal.

I'm pretty sure that globally, more women live like me and breastfeed their children.  But yet, we, as breastfeeding mothers, are seen as obscene? 

What do you think?  Are you offended by a breastfeeding mother?

Things You Should NEVER Say to a Pregnant Woman

I wrote this right before I had India after some very emotional days, filled with comments from people that clearly frustrated me. I decided to post this because I know there are many pregnant women who want this information distributed to the masses like communist propaganda. I thought about trying to tame and clean this up, but decided against that, and will let you all have it nice and raw!

For those of you who have no tact; listen up. For those of you who can empathize; nod your head. Some pregnant woman may be more gracious than me, at least to your face, but I can pretty much guarantee you will be dubbed a complete a-hole by talking about any of these things.

WEIGHT - We all know that it's never OK to make a comment about a woman's weight. The only time it's kosher is if she has recently lost weight, and then it's OK to say something along the lines of "you are really looking nice" and end the sentence before you insert foot in mouth babbling about how big she was before. Very few men will ever trample on this sacred ground. And men and women alike, generally have enough sense about them not to talk about weight gain. Except for when you're pregnant. For some reason, being pregnant, gives them a license to immediately make a comment about your weight. "You're really filling out", "are you sure it's not twins?!?!", "eating for two", "you look like you're ready to pop!", "you are so huge/big/ginormous!" are all things you SHOULD NEVER SAY. EVER. NEVER! In fact, don't mention weight or size at all. We already feel like blimps, fumbling around, unable to touch our toes, or sit properly in a restaurant booth, we don't need any reminder from you. And don't ask me how much weight I've gained. If you volunteer your weight gain statistics to me, it doesn't mean I'm obligated to volunteer mine to you. I find most people who make comments about weight and/or size are generally bigger than me, and have weight to lose themselves, so maybe it's one of those I-feel-bad-about-myself-so-I'm-going-to-knock-you-down type of things?



PERSONAL INFORMATION- Believe it or not, I'm a very private person. The more I feel pushed into giving information, the more I retreat and submit vague information, or retort with a snarky response. So, it should be no surprise to you, when you come to me at 36 weeks pregnant and ask me if my cervix is dilated if I punch you in the face. :) No, I won't punch you, but I may ask you about your cervix, if that's OK. And if you don't have a cervix, you definitely should not be asking that question! Don't ask me about stretch marks, nipple secretions, mucus plug, and the like. Again, I will gladly ask you the question right back, and I doubt you want to talk about any of those things either. True? And stop telling me to have sex to induce labor, geesh.

LABOR STORIES - Save the horror stories, please. Yes, I've been told, watched videos, and read lots of books on what is about to happen to me. I don't need anymore negative reinforcements, I just want to be encouraged. It's one thing to share the reality of your traumatic birth story with me, and I'll be happy to hear it. It's another thing to go around fearmongering.

YOU'RE STILL PREGNANT?? - No. That's a basketball I shoved up my shirt because I want YOUR attention. Seriously? If you see me, and I still look like I've got a baby in there, and I'm not holding a baby in arms, it's safe to assume that, yes, I'm still pregnant. Do you really think I have that much control over the situation? DO you not have anything else to say? Better yet, do you really think your comment is going to somehow encourage me? Or maybe you will magically induce labor? Probably not. Most likely, I feel hot, fat, hormonal, miserable and achey and I'm completely uncomfortable with even more attention being drawn to me. Recently, someone made this comment to me, and before I could think about my response, I replied with "And you still have a big mouth?". If you are OK with getting a response like this, go ahead and ask this question.

OK, end of Genevieve's rant. For now. :)

What they don't tell you about pregnancy

*Disclaimer: Don't read this if you are easily offended, grossed out by a pregnant woman's body, or generally uptight. Turn around now if any of the above applies to you.

What they don't tell you about pregnancy:

Everything.
No, in all seriousness, people clue you in, you hear chats about it, but most moms hold the truth from you until you are actually with child. To be fair, we live in a world where we can educate ourselves with the click of our right pointer finger. When I found out I was pregnant, I signed up on multiple baby sites to get my personalized weekly pregnancy updates. Every week my inbox is flooded with things like, "your uterus is the size of a grapefruit" or "your baby's swallowing amniotic fluid now" or "your baby's eyes are no longer on the side of it's head and it now looks more human". Great. My little amniotic fluid-eating alien baby.

Here are a few things that they either don't tell you about pregnancy, or that don't happen when you expect them to happen, or the severity of these symptoms surprise you, or they don't happen to everyone.

1. Pregnancy fatigue, nausea, constipation and gas are all very real. I will never question or judge a pregnant woman again when she says that she's tired, she can't poop, or she feels sick. Just believe her.

2. Morning sickness doesn't end at 12 weeks. Or 14 weeks. Or 16. It's different for everyone.

3. Morning sickness needs an ENTIRELY new name. The term 'morning sickness' doesn't shed any truth on pregnancy nausea.

4. Pregnant women have to pee a lot, this is common knowledge, but the need to pee starts right away. I thought I wouldn't be plagued by an overactive bladder until later in pregnancy, when things start to get squished down there. No, things begin to get squished down there right away. You also begin to lose control of said bladder.

5. Speaking of things changing quickly, I always thought my boobs would get bigger in say, the 7th, or 8th month of pregnancy when my body was preparing to nurse. That's not true at all. Just ask all my old bras that were abandoned Week 5.

6. And while we are talking about boobs, no one ever told me that they would get such huge veins that closely resemble a cow's udder. Yeah. Veins. I told you to turn around a long time ago.


7. Apparently, you only need an additional 300 calories a day, at the most, while pregnant. A nice glass of milk and an extra piece of toast. What they don't tell you is that your body screams for 1,000 extra calories of all crap-foods everyday.

8. First trimester weight gain: 2-5 pounds. I'm gonna go ahead and pull out the BS card on that one too.

9. Your life and your body are no longer your own. Not because of the little alien resident living in your womb, but because everyone is analyzing your body, your movements, your eating habits and even your breath. And they will all tell you the sex of your baby based on those things.

10. Everyone shares their morning sickness/pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding/sleeping method/vaccinating/discipline/college savings fund opinion with you. Then they ask you your plans. It's usually in that order. Smile, nod, change the subject. Smile, nod, change the subject. Smile, nod, change the subject.

11. Most conversations begin like this:
She: So when do you find out the baby's sex?
Me: In July, when the baby's born.
She: How many weeks are you?
Me: Um, 16 weeks.
She: Oh! Just wait until Week __ (insert any number) when __________ happens!

12. In my weekly pregnancy updates, there is usually a little talk about hormones, and how you can expect to be a little more emotional or weepy. This is one of the biggest lies I've encountered. I seriously think my poor husband has honestly considered a complete psychiatric evaluation of me as I oscillate between sobbing through a commercial and the next minute hysterically fuming because someone asked me about my due date, and I didn't want to talk about it. God bless him, and anyone else who has to come within 10 feet of me.

13. Vitamins before pregnancy = Fine. Prenatal vitamins while pregnant = the most disgusting thing you could ever ingest.

14. No one ever told me how much I would love my little alien baby, even when it was just the size of a sesame seed. I never knew how much maternal instincts would kick in to do anything in my power to protect and nourish my baby. I never knew I would dream and pray for something so often that is so small, and that I've never seen.

I know there are many more things that are yet to be found out. What things did you learn in pregnancy, that you never would have known without experiencing it?