What they don't tell you about pregnancy

*Disclaimer: Don't read this if you are easily offended, grossed out by a pregnant woman's body, or generally uptight. Turn around now if any of the above applies to you.

What they don't tell you about pregnancy:

Everything.
No, in all seriousness, people clue you in, you hear chats about it, but most moms hold the truth from you until you are actually with child. To be fair, we live in a world where we can educate ourselves with the click of our right pointer finger. When I found out I was pregnant, I signed up on multiple baby sites to get my personalized weekly pregnancy updates. Every week my inbox is flooded with things like, "your uterus is the size of a grapefruit" or "your baby's swallowing amniotic fluid now" or "your baby's eyes are no longer on the side of it's head and it now looks more human". Great. My little amniotic fluid-eating alien baby.

Here are a few things that they either don't tell you about pregnancy, or that don't happen when you expect them to happen, or the severity of these symptoms surprise you, or they don't happen to everyone.

1. Pregnancy fatigue, nausea, constipation and gas are all very real. I will never question or judge a pregnant woman again when she says that she's tired, she can't poop, or she feels sick. Just believe her.

2. Morning sickness doesn't end at 12 weeks. Or 14 weeks. Or 16. It's different for everyone.

3. Morning sickness needs an ENTIRELY new name. The term 'morning sickness' doesn't shed any truth on pregnancy nausea.

4. Pregnant women have to pee a lot, this is common knowledge, but the need to pee starts right away. I thought I wouldn't be plagued by an overactive bladder until later in pregnancy, when things start to get squished down there. No, things begin to get squished down there right away. You also begin to lose control of said bladder.

5. Speaking of things changing quickly, I always thought my boobs would get bigger in say, the 7th, or 8th month of pregnancy when my body was preparing to nurse. That's not true at all. Just ask all my old bras that were abandoned Week 5.

6. And while we are talking about boobs, no one ever told me that they would get such huge veins that closely resemble a cow's udder. Yeah. Veins. I told you to turn around a long time ago.


7. Apparently, you only need an additional 300 calories a day, at the most, while pregnant. A nice glass of milk and an extra piece of toast. What they don't tell you is that your body screams for 1,000 extra calories of all crap-foods everyday.

8. First trimester weight gain: 2-5 pounds. I'm gonna go ahead and pull out the BS card on that one too.

9. Your life and your body are no longer your own. Not because of the little alien resident living in your womb, but because everyone is analyzing your body, your movements, your eating habits and even your breath. And they will all tell you the sex of your baby based on those things.

10. Everyone shares their morning sickness/pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding/sleeping method/vaccinating/discipline/college savings fund opinion with you. Then they ask you your plans. It's usually in that order. Smile, nod, change the subject. Smile, nod, change the subject. Smile, nod, change the subject.

11. Most conversations begin like this:
She: So when do you find out the baby's sex?
Me: In July, when the baby's born.
She: How many weeks are you?
Me: Um, 16 weeks.
She: Oh! Just wait until Week __ (insert any number) when __________ happens!

12. In my weekly pregnancy updates, there is usually a little talk about hormones, and how you can expect to be a little more emotional or weepy. This is one of the biggest lies I've encountered. I seriously think my poor husband has honestly considered a complete psychiatric evaluation of me as I oscillate between sobbing through a commercial and the next minute hysterically fuming because someone asked me about my due date, and I didn't want to talk about it. God bless him, and anyone else who has to come within 10 feet of me.

13. Vitamins before pregnancy = Fine. Prenatal vitamins while pregnant = the most disgusting thing you could ever ingest.

14. No one ever told me how much I would love my little alien baby, even when it was just the size of a sesame seed. I never knew how much maternal instincts would kick in to do anything in my power to protect and nourish my baby. I never knew I would dream and pray for something so often that is so small, and that I've never seen.

I know there are many more things that are yet to be found out. What things did you learn in pregnancy, that you never would have known without experiencing it?