The Best Days of My Life

These are the best days of your life, they say. 

And I wholeheartedly agree.

Except for those single years.  When I was free to run up and down mountains, have quiet moments, laugh with roommates late into the night, play my guitar and travel the world -- sharing the love of God with anyone I met.  Singing and playing piano on continents I learned of in Social Studies.  I knew God was going to use me for good, confident in the depths of His love.  The confirmation that somehow, my life would be forever involved in full-time ministry, was solidified. I went wherever my heart desired.  I knew nothing of fear.

My young self, in India.

Those were some good days.

Or the good days of finding the love of my life.  Staying up late, watching movies, building our repertoire of inside jokes, sharing our hearts, eating Mac 'N Cheese, saying 'I do' after 3 months of dating, while surrounded with amazing kids who were the best youth group kids we had yet to meet.  Hours and hours and days and days of worship  and teaching in youth ministry together.  Our calling to work in ministry together was a blessing.

Married!

Those were good days.  Really good.

Then, I think about putting all our earthly possessions in storage and entering the mission field around our two year wedding anniversary.  Oh, the things we learned, the countries we experienced and the lives that were impacted.  Ours changed the most.  Stretched in our inmost beings, we put "our" lives on hold.  Instead of biological children like all of our friends back home, we had orphans.  Instead of possessions, we lived in community, sharing all.  Instead of starting a savings account and building up a nest egg, we prayed for donations of simple things, like, tooth paste.  Our prayers ALWAYS answered.  Our lives forever ruined for the ordinary.  We will NEVER be the same again, thank God.

In Afghanistan, trying to make some wool.  Fail.

Difficult, soul-testing, heart-aching days, but really, really, really good days.

But these days?  I live in America, something I didn't want to do nor did I think I could ever do, without sinking into a materialistic, complacent, depressive lifestyle, because I had never met an American that didn't fall into one of those categories, if not all.  I've got my three best friends by my side.  I'm surrounded by a runny nose, cracker crumbs under my feet, fingerprints on everything sacred, newborn poop stains on all clothing, and crying that is volleyed between my two littles.  In some ways, I have settled, which is frustrating to me, but I know I need to enjoy this time.  I take turns with my faithful man, juggling what life is now.  Chubby wrists, pursed lips (that beg for kisses), two little minds begging for knowledge, 'neck hugs' and smiles just because I'm Mama.

Naptime with my sweet littles.

These really are the best days of my life. 

And I can hardly wait to see, in the years to come, how the best gets even better.

I Return Every Gift I Receive

 source: shrscs.net

I turned 30 years old this weekend.  Kind of weird, because I remember my parents turning 30!  I don't feel 30 and the kids in our youth group about lost it when they heard I was going to be 30.  They guessed I was 24 or 26.  I made Dallas pause youth group then I told them they were all my best friends for life.  :-)

Moving on.... 

Dallas has a birthday surprise planned for me this week.  He refuses to tell me much about it.  It's not because he has to surprise me, it's because I normally say a big 'heck no' whenever he mentions getting me a gift.  All that I know is we're going away (I cried when he told me because I'm not ready to leave India again, but I got over it real fast) and I'm super excited and super nervous.

Why?

I don't want him spending lots of money on me. 

It's frivolous, ridiculous, unnecessary and our money should go a million other places before it's spent on me.  Besides, I've done and been a part of a lot of really amazing things in my life so I don't need any more cool things.

But he insists that we are doing this. 

I'm notorious for returning every gift I receive.  It's not that I'm not grateful, but I'm super practical, cheap and get easily convicted.  For Mother's Day this year, Dallas (bless his sweet heart) bought me an iPad and I fought with him for days to return it.  I didn't need it and there's no way I could justify spending that much money on myself! 

I finally won out and he returned it. 

I felt kind of bad, like maybe he felt I was rejecting him, but I just can't justify it. 

That's just one of many stories.  Poor guy.  He should know because I'm the girl who has never bought a kitchen table, a bed or spent more than $50 on a used couch from Goodwill.  Nearly everything I have is second hand and I don't mind a bit.

I just have such a hard time justifying new things when what I have is fine or I can find a secondhand replacement.  No judgment, as I have friends whose husbands buy them fancy jewelry, iPads, kitchen appliances, vacations and more for gifts, but I.just.cannot.do.it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not Mother Teresa, I'm materialistic and covetous, and I still make purchases that seem pointless.  But I struggle with the lines of necessary, a blessing and frivolous....like these $35 boots that literally took me two years to buy and I still bought half of them with a gift card.  I struggled with that purchase.

I enter this week knowing that my husband is spending money on me.  I'm uneasy but yet so grateful that I have a husband who loves me and wants to do something extraordinary for me.  I guess this is a time for me to sit back, be blessed and enjoy.  After all, this is the first time in 10 years I've let him do anything like this and this is one gift, I can't return.

Do you and your spouse exchange gifts?  Does anyone else out there ever struggle with feeling like they have 'too much'?

Do you know you're prayed for?

I bet you didn't know that I pray for you.  I have hundreds of readers from all over the world, and I don't know most of you, but I pray that all who read my blog would be encouraged, uplifted, challenged and know they are loved and important. 

But sometimes, as I'm led, I do pray specific prayers for you.  Yes, YOU.  The one behind the screen of their desktop, with kid's snotty fingerprints all over it, the one I don't know. 

You.

The one with the back problems, or the chronic fatigue syndrome.  I pray for you, the one who feels guilt or a parenting decision and you, the one who feels bad about yelling at her kids today. 

I pray for you, the one who just lost her job and wonders how she will make rent.  I pray for you, who wonders if you even have enough gas money to get you to school.

I pray for the one who can't stop crying because something hurts and the one who can't stop smiling, trying to hide that everything hurts.

I think and pray for you the one whose fears and anxieties control every aspect of your life.  I pray for you who can't muster up the courage to pursue your dream.

You.

I'm praying for you, the one who just found out her parent has cancer and you, the one whose husband just said he's addicted to porn. 

The one whose child is not progressing as they should and the one whose child is spewing hate towards you.  I pray for you whose child is no longer earthside.  I pray for you as you make difficult parenting decisions regarding your teenager.  I pray for you who longs for a child to hold.

I pray for you, the one who feels ugly all the time, the one who hates her forehead and the one who believes her life isn't worthwhile unless she can fit into 'that dress' and get rid of 'those hips'. 

I pray for you as your grapple with the aftermath of abuse.  I pray for you, the one whose life is riddled with anger, yelling, raised voices and violence. 

I pray for the one who greets her husband with a torrent of critical words every night and the one who sends arrows of jealousy as you look in envy at your neighbor's perfect life.

You.

To you who thinks God hates you, He's distant, He's forgotten you; I pray for you.

I pray for you, who still feels the pang of your abortion, you who drowns in the guilt of the secet affair you had, and I pray for you who holds a dark secret that you just can't bring to light.

I pray for you whose husband who ignores you with a busy work schedule.  And you, the one with no husband at all.  I pray for you, with the husband on the couch, uninvolved.

I pray for you as your husband criticizes your cooking, your cleaning, your mothering skills and critques your physical body.  I pray for you, the one who is sure she's 'fallen out of love with her husband' and found her true love instead.

I pray for the one who looks like she has all her shit together, but really masks the pain with an addiction.  And you who contemplates if life is worthwhile.

You.

I pray for you who is overcome with depression and you, the one who feels worthless and you, the one who wonders just exactly how you will end your own life. 

I pray for you who lurks in the shadows of shame, you who hides behind the mask of pretension and you who covers her eyes and wishes the pain to go away.

I don't pray for you because I think I'm better than you.
I don't pray for you because I know the right answer.
I don't pray for you because my life is peachy.

I pray for you because I care about you, love you and want the best for your life.  I pray for you because I've been there.  Because I AM THERE.
 
So, from ME, the one who doesn't know you, the one who doesn't have it all together and has dealt with many of the above issues....and ME, the one who doesn't know how and why prayer works, but knows that God loves you and cares for you and has the best plans for your life....I'm praying for YOU! 

And I mean that.

Photo courtesy of thereformation.net

love.serve.pickweeds.lockyourbabyinoffice

We just finished our 4th annual mission trip to our town.  This week is always a lot of work for all of us, but it is a super rewarding week, for our students and the hundreds of others we serve throughout the week.

Our youth group joined with another youth group, totaling about 60 of us, as we converged on our community, doing any and every type of service project that was needed.  In the evening, we all join together after a hard days work and worship together and hear from a speaker. 

It's an amazing week, filled with sweat, laughs and honest moments before God.  Many teens not only find purpose in serving hundreds of others others with love, but are renewed in their faith and calling. 

Some of the kids on the bus.  From one project to the next!

It was an incredible week for the students.  Some said it was the best week of their lives. 

It was sort of a tough week for our family.  Dallas' back went out, which isn't a good thing when you're doing manual labor and helping manage so many people.  He didn't have the time to rest and try to recover from his injury so unfortunately, he is still in a lot of pain.

India joined us for as much of the trip as possible. 

Helping pick (or maybe eat) weeds

She was a bit overwhelmed with all the kids who loved her so much, and I had a bit of personal struggle as I wanted to be serving alongside the kids AND take care of India, but I'm not superwoman, and I normally had to choose one or the other. 

In the ERGO as we clear brush

She was a trooper, even though she had several traumatic moments like...

...when she got locked in Dallas' office, which was a very brief, but emotionally charged event.  I thought Dallas was watching her, Dallas thought I was watching her.  I came back to the office and the door was shut and locked.  Mothering fail.

My baby was crying. 

I ran to find Dallas to ask for his keys, but they were locked in the office, with my keys, both of our phones and now a screaming baby.  I had to keep myself calm, even though every bit of me wanted to hyperventilate, cry, or bust down the door and rescue my baby!

Almost as quickly as it all started, my clear-minded husband had made a couple of phone calls, and a man from our church arrived with his key and unlocked the door.  I wiped India's tears, helped her calm down, and held her so tight. 

In spite of whatever personal hiccups we encountered, all of the youth did such a great job and I am so proud of them!  I loved them before, but I love them even more now. 

No matter the pain I saw my husband in, or how I felt pulled in two directions, it was worth it!  I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat!  I just want to bypass the whole locking your tired, hungry, overstimulated baby in the office thing! ;)

A ginormous sheet, in which after a time of prayer, the kids wrote what their callings were...VERY moving!

Mission 2012?  Most definitely!

Jealous on Valentine's Day

It's easy to be jealous on Valentine's Day.  I know I am finding myself wanting every holiday.


Whether you are single, dating, married or widowed, it's very easy to succumb to our human tendency towards covetousness.


When you hear about the billions of dollars Americans spend annually on Valentine's Day and hear how a man spends on average over $100 on this day, sometimes it's hard not to ask "Why not me?" and "Don't I deserve the best?"


I even found myself wishing selfishly for something today, momentarily forgetting that my husband and I don't normally buy each other gifts (let's admit, most Valentine's gifts are frivolous) in order to bless others and live not in excess.  We try to follow those rules mostly, but don't worry, we aren't legalistic about it.

But there is something in me that still wants things and at the same time battles with my convictions. 


It's not that I'm not worth celebrating; it's just that we've seen too many atrocities. People dying of starvation, kids that have been maimed by their own parents, boys held as sexual slaves in monasteries, girls exploited by foreign tourists, families digging through trash and landfills to feed their children, girls as young as six years old being married off, and people devastated by the dirty water that wreaks calamity in their community. 


And these things aren't just abroad, they are right next door to us.


After seeing all that, it's still hard, all these years later to justify fancy chocolate and flowers.


I've decided that today, instead of desiring things, I will choose to be grateful, for a husband, who loves me no matter how many days I forgo shaving my legs in the winter, and who exhibits gracious love to me every day of the year.  I will be thankful he is the same behind closed doors and encourages me to live for a greater purpose that will last longer than any gift.  I will be grateful that he chooses to give to those who really need gifts, and couldn't care less about earthly possessions.  I will be grateful that he doesn't raise his voice at me ever and he respects me. 


Tonight we'll eat leftover pizza and celebrate our love with gratefulness and will hopefully be able to bless others, not out of obligation or guilt, but out of genuine belief and love. 


Isn't that the reason for it all anyway?

What's in a Name...

We all know I'm a little unique. Maybe more along the lines of a lot unique. I'm sure it didn't come as a surprise to the people who know us well when they heard we named our daughter India. It's a unique name, but not that unique. I'm sure some of our family members were holding their breath as we announced our little girl's name, hoping we didn't pick something way out in left field! :-)


The meaning of a name is very imporatant to Dallas and I, and as we talked baby names, we came up with a couple names of each gender that meant something special to us. Actually, I was so sure I was having a boy, that we only picked one girl name and had several boy names lined up to choose from!

In most other cultures, when you say your name, many people either know what it means, or after you get to know someone, you mention what your name means. We have lots of friends overseas who take great pride in their names. My friend Moon(her English name), was born when the "moon was shaded" so her name means "moon shade" and therefore, she goes by Moon in English. Another one of my friends has "flower" as part of her name, and it fits her perfectly. In American culture, we don't always pick names by their meanings, and that's OK. But while paging through baby names, I couldn't stay away from the meanings, and was deterred many times just because I didn't like a name's meaning.

Picking the perfect name weighed very heavy on my heart, and at times, I felt very burdened by it because I wanted the exact name that God had for this little being growing inside me! Here is how we decided on India's name.


After I graduated from high school, I went on a mission trip to India, which was tiring, hard, eye-opening, rewarding, frustrating and beautiful. I came back changed, not so much visibly, but very stirred by what I saw and experienced. I didn't understand or know it right away, but my eyes and heart and mind were permanantly changed. I needed time to process what I had seen, which essentially took years. It was on this trip that I felt God really confirm in my heart that this was something that I could do for the rest of my life. I felt like He promised that He would lead me and give me strength to do whatever He called me to do or go wherever He wanted me to go.

This was not necessarily my "calling" to missions, but this was the confirmation of my calling, with a clear promise to go with it. It was almost like a re-calling. It was the time that I knew, that I knew, that I knew! I felt SO secure with this promise, and had great peace. Even still when I think about this period of time, I feel unbelievable peace and warmth and have a sense of victory. India has always had a very dear place in my heart because of this. India changed my life. I continued in this calling, going back overseas to Asia, until....

About a year after this trip, Dallas and I started dating and I shared and shared and shared and shared and shared some more about missions, and the lost, and saving the world and how I felt like I was called to full-time ministry, although I didn't know what that meant exactly. I just knew that mission work was going to be involved! I talked his ear off, impatiently hoping to influence him. He shared some of the ideas on his heart, and we realized these full-time ministry callings could work together, and soon we were married! For the first two years of our marriage God stirred in our hearts that a time of change was coming, and soon we joined YWAM and spent four years doing various mission work full-time. Our lives were turned upside-down during this time.

If it hadn't been for my trip to India, I don't know if our lives would've been so drastically touched. Maybe they would have. I don't know. But, we can both confidently say that because of my trip to India, our lives were without a doubt, changed.


To us, India Josephine means many things. India, to us represents God's calling and promise and peace to rest in. India also reminds us of something exotic, fragrant, beautiful and rich in history. Josephine means "God will increase", and that is our prayer for our little India Josephine!

We pray that God's calling and purpose that we, her parents have felt on our lives, would be increased on our little girl and that she would do greater things than either of us have done or can do! When I found out I was pregnant, the very first prayer I had about this little one, was that God could use this little babe for whatever He wanted but I wanted Him to call this baby to the Muslim world! Nothing like trying to influence God... :)


In the same way that India the country turned my world upside-down, our little India girl is doing the exact same thing and changing our lives.


Thank you Lord, for your vision, promise and peace in raising this little gift.

My addiction

Being that last night was Friday night, D and I spent most of the time lying on our respective couches watching Season 7 of 24. For anyone who hasn't seen '24', there is no other way to describe it but as the crack cocaine for tv. Your entire body escapes to CTU, or LA, or Washington, DC with Jack Bauer. You are racing with him, combating terrorism, throwing punches, outwitting the enemy, and never taking a breather, because you know, that in 24, it's not over until 8am the following day. Even after you turn off your tv, you are startled by the jacket hanging on the doorknob in your house, your heartrate is still elevated, and you listen for every little sound in your still house to give you a clue as to what your next move should be. Your 24-induced paranoia can even disturb your sleep and infiltrate your dreams. As soon as your body begins to rest again, which may takes minutes or hours, depending on your body's sensitivity to Crack 24, you start to crave it again. You barely remember the events that occurred in the last hour on 24, but you remember the euphoria and complete transcendental bliss that pulsed through your veins.

What I have just described for you is a typical 24 high. Once you start watching, you can't stop.

But it didn't work that way for me last night. I could barely watch the show, I was dreaming of "dangerous" things. Things that most people will warn against. I was dreaming of Haiti, and all the perilous things that are occurring there right now. I was googling flights, MRE's, and talking to my friend, Rhyan ,who is currently working in an orphanage there, who was begging us to come and help. They have enough food and water for us, and we could do physical work, especially my big, strong husband.

But what good am I, a pregnant woman? The nannies have their own families and losses to contend with right now, but are sacrificing that to care for these little orphans. They don't even have the time to grieve for their losses, their people's losses, their country's losses, because they believe so strongly in serving "the least of these". I can't do major physical work, but I can help with these precious ones. I can change diapers. I can feed little ones. I can clean. I can cook. But what will I say to them? I don't speak a drop of Creole. I don't know anything about Haitian culture. But I do speak the universal language of love and human touch. I speak the universal language of tears and heartfelt compassion. I speak the language of comfort. I also speak the language of Hope.

D and I have never let fear drive us, or at least we've tried. God has called us to many things that people don't understand, and when we begin to let those doubts fill our minds, we are constantly reminded of some of our life verses:

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble, they will never fall,

for the Lord holds them by the hand.

Once I was young and now I am old.

Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned

or their children begging for bread.

The godly always give generous loans to others,

and their children are a blessing."

Psalm 37: 23-26

People may not understand if God leads us to go to Haiti at this time. That's OK. I don't understand why they chose to stay home and uninvolved.

The bottom line is I don't know if I'll ever be content just laying on my couch watching 24. As much fun as it is, I would rather live a worthwhile adventure; a life ready and willing to serve and help, no matter what my personal circumstances are. That provides a high that far exceeds anything else, and just like 24, I can't wait for the next thing.