I thought I formed her personality

When India was a baby, within hours of her birth, we learned she was very vocal and extremely content in my arms. 

Within a week or two, we realized we had a very passionate, opinionated, vocal, determined, intense, affectionate little girl who loved attention and being close to people, especially me, her Mama.  She didn't like to change clothes, disliked her carseat, hated baths, was easily distracted, wouldn't sleep 'just anywhere' and she also would never tolerate being alone.  No bouncy seat, no swing, nothing.  That's one of the reasons I bought a water sling - otherwise I never would've been able to even shower.

I remember being slightly jealous of other moms who told me stories of their newborn babies laying contentedly on a blanket, while they made dinner.  Really?  Babies do that??

At the same time, a part of me believed a lie that is prevalent everywhere, especially in the church: if you just do this, this and this with your baby, you'll have a compliant baby.  I sometimes wondered if I was doing something wrong and if I had created India's spirited personality.

When India was a newborn baby, I asked a couple of mothers of older children, "Around what age did your child's personality develop?"

All of their responses:  "Right away.  Looking back, their personalities are very similar to what they displayed in their early months of life."  I worried a bit because I had seen some indicators that India was strong-willed.

But I didn't totally believe what they said.  Nope.  I couldn't believe it.  See, I was under the impression that YOU make your child's personality for the most part.  If you just parent this way, or discipline like this, or follow this book, or teach your child about this, or don't do that so your child won't learn your bad habit.  As time went on and India grew, week by week, I noticed some of the same preferences in her little world. 

But wait, I was teaching her something different, so why was she continuing to dislike her carseat and always cry quickly and loudly?!?  I've spent the last 15 months telling my daughter to be gentle with other children and animals, and she isn't.  I've told her a bajillion times to please stop screaming and tantruming in stores because she wants to either get down and/or grab everything and Mean Mommy won't let her, but she doesn't listen.  I've bathed her for 15 months, and she still screams and cries the second she hears that it's bath time.  She's rode in her carseat hundreds of times, but I still get an arched back and a screech nearly every time she's getting buckled in.  For over 455 days, India has had her clothes changed, sometimes many times a day, and she still cries like I'm destroying her life every.single.time.

My previous belief that I determine her behavior from Day 1 is debunked.  If that was true, after a couple of weeks of bathing her, she'd be fine with the bath.  If my consistent, disciplined actions controlled personality, she'd stop the hysterical meltdowns when it's time to change her clothes.  Also, I see parents of multiple children, all parented the same way, with different personalities. 

India at 5 months, throwing a pretty big tantrum (for a 5 month old) because I wouldn't let her eat the Christmas lights.

Over the last month, we've been to several weddings. I've sighed a bit while I've watched other children her age sit in their parent's laps for the entire wedding ceremony!  Then they sit contentedly in a high chair during the meal and reception and maybe even take a nap in their dad's arms.  All the while, my child climbed out of my lap hours ago and hasn't stop running around and screaming since.  Heck, she won't even sit long enough to eat!  I watch my nieces who are her age sit and play nicely at family events (until India comes and terrorizes them).  They don't scream and tantrum and attack other children every 3.5 minutes.  Not much has changed since her first days - she would aggressively hug her cousins since just a few months old. 


She's still loud, vocal, aggressive, affectionate, passionate, constantly moving, fearless, an entertainer, loves to be around people, hates to change clothes, doesn't play on her own or with toys, hates baths, doesn't like her carseat, and will only sleep under the perfect circumstances. 

And you know what?  Nothing I've done has created those things.  In the same way, nothing I've been able to do so far has been able to persuade her otherwise. (Really, I've tried) 

But I'm SO proud of my girl.  I love her spirit!

And really, can I expect anything different?  She has two outspoken, aggressive, passionate, determined, loud and outgoing parents. :-)

Of course I don't let her run around like a little hooligan at all times.  She stays in the cart at stores.  If she screams or tantrums at church, we leave the area.  Throughout the day, I tell her no, we re-direct, I praise her for her accomplishments, express my sadness when she disobeys, and watch her experience natural consequences.

I get the stinkeye from some people in churches, you know, the Christians who have the answer.  Some people look at me with the your child shouldn't be so loud look, or the if you taught her correctly, she wouldn't scream look or the if you made her do that everyday, she wouldn't do that look or the you should be doing this right now in response to her look. 


I think when you aren't a parent, or maybe even when you are a parent, you are quick to judge on how you would do XYZ and problem ABC would be solved.  But that's not always the case.  There is no 'book answer' that works across the board.


I could make my daughter into the little girl others want her to be. 

I could do all the things some popular Christian parenting books tell me to do.  I could control her.  I could break her will.  I could swat her over and over again until she obeyed.  I could make her fear me.  I could yell at her.  I could threaten her.  I could make her submit.  I could do all those things and more to get a quiet, little child.


And those things might calm her outwardly, but it would quench her spirit, crush her trust, and equal outward obedience without a heart change.  It would ruin who God has made her to be. 
 
There are some things in her personality that as her mother I need to work with; to help gently carve, to encourage and to instruct, but ultimately, I love who God has made her to be and see great value in all of her personality traits - even though some need refining with time and growth.  I know that God has created her brimming over with passion and charm and I know He has amazing plans for my zesty, passionate, fearless girl.


God has made her magnetic and full of life, shining and entertaining wherever she goes. For now, I'm learning to shrug my shoulders at the judgmental eyerolls and I just need to remember that I can't control everything about her and I also can't control their judgments.   After all, this is good practice for the rest of our lives and whatever adventures she may partake in, because I have a feeling this is going to be an adventure!  ;-)

My spirited little girl, making her cousin Xiomara hug her (I think we have 30 pictures like this, some of them with Xiomara in tears)

Do you have a spirited child?  When did you realize they weren't just going to 'lay down and roll over'?  What has helped you the most in parenting them?