You're going where? Afghanistan?!?! Part 2

Part 1 

In Afghan culture, when you marry a man, you marry into his family.  You move in with his family, and become the lowest of all the women, meaning you get the most work.  If your mother-in-law, sister-in-laws, or your husband's other wives are kind, it can work out as you all share the burden of the housework. 

If your mother-in-law, or any of the above women is not kind or doesn't like you, life can be very miserable.

This was the case for Jaweed's wife. 

Jaweed talked about how bad his wife was, as she had 'killed' his firstborn, a newborn son, a couple months before we arrived.  I asked for clarification, and Jaweed told me that his wife was depressed and could barely function.  After their son was born, she remained quite helpless and according to Jaweed and his mother, she didn't feed their son and he died.  I'm not sure how accurate this story is because women (Grandmothers even) will breastfeed each others children, so if this child wasn't being fed, I would imagine that his grandma or maybe a sister-in-law would have began breastfeeding him.

Jaweed, Dallas and Kabir

I wanted to know more, so I did everything short of inviting myself to Jaweed's house, just to try to meet his wife and share hope with her.  When I finally went to his house, I met family member after family member and kept asking Jaweed if and when I could meet his wife.  His mom kept saying she was 'no good' and shaking her head in disgust. 

I didn't want to press my luck, but I did want to see this girl, who had been a bride, wife, mother and lost a child all before she would even be able to drive in America.  Finally, after much begging, they let his wife (who served all the food) come into the room where we ate.

They talked poorly of her, while she stood there with her head down.  I tried to make eye contact and call her by her name, but before I could reach out to her, she was told to leave the room.  She was talked to worse than I would talk to a stray dog.

And that was all I saw of this young girl.



It broke my heart, but this is a reality in Afghanistan.  A young girl, is betrothed in marriage while she is years from menstruating, she leaves her family, becomes the lowest in her new family, and is expected to bear a child within a short period of time, or else she will be deemed worthless.

I can see why depression would sink in, and why the stories of suicide run high among women. 

I wonder what happened to this girl.  Jaweed was searching very hard for a new wife.  It's not his fault, and he's not a bad guy. Jaweed was a very good friend of Dallas', was very funny, spoke some of the best English we heard in our time there, was highly educated, and had a great job at the United Nations. He was just trying to complete his duties as a man: to produce offspring, particularly sons. 

Stepping into Afghanistan is like living something straight out of Genesis.  Remember that, before you throw any mind-stones at Jaweed.

Jaweed, busy at work

I hope and pray, that this girl is alive and well, and that she has earned favor and love in Jaweed's eyes and that she gets along well with any of Jaweed's other wives.

Many people ask how safe I felt in Afghanistan, and I would say, VERY safe.  We had a strictly enforced 5:00 PM curfew, because it wasn't safe to be out past that time.  We had safety precautions that we followed, but in spite of all that, we felt safe because of the Afghan people. 

The Afghan people are fiercely protective of their friends and family.  There is an Afghan proverb that many friends shared with me during my time there to express their love for me, and I think it sums up the protection we felt.

The first day you meet, you are friends.

The next day you meet, you are brothers.

Afghan proverb

 

On one of the days there, things went haywire in our relatively 'safe' town. 

 

There was a suicide bombing a few blocks from our house, targeting the local warlord, who was praying during a major religious holiday. 

 

Rumors spread quickly, and soon we were getting text messages from Kabul and emails from outside the country claiming that the news was reporting many deaths, which was untrue.  We had been forewarned that 80% of what you hear on the news about Afghanistan isn't true and I can agree with that statement, especially after the suicide bombing.

 

On top of that, the Taliban issued threats of kidnapping any foreigners in the town.  We were the only foreigners in the town, and we lived between two houses, and everyone knew where we were, Taliban included...

 

To be continued...

*suicide bomb and safety

*the average woman's life in Afghanistan