Her mom day & NIGHT, but sometimes I fail at the latter

We've been awfully spoiled with India.  In her almost ten months of earth side life, we've only had four or five wake-up-and-scream-for-no-apparent-reason episodes. 

Yes, only four or five.

I know many of you reading this have a one month old that is waking up hourly, or a 10 month old who wakes up every three hours to nurse or a 3 year old who wakes twice a night, or any combination of the above, and you're cussing me out under your breath.

I'm not here to complain about my daughter's sleep habits.  No, sir, I'm not.

This post is a complaint against me.

Normally if India wakes up at night, it's so easy.  Either Dallas or I get her, bring her to bed, she nurses, and after she will either stay in our bed or go back to hers.  No sleep lost on either part, and we're all happy.

Last night, India woke at 1 am, I tried to shush her back to sleep, but she wasn't having it.  I brought her in bed with me to nurse, which she did for a couple of minutes, then she turned restless.  At that moment, I knew we were going to be up for a while, as this is almost exactly what she's done the handful of other times she's got up during the night. 

I was immediately frustrated.  Let me tell you a secret. I turn into this different creature in the middle of the night.  I'm normally a pretty chill mom, my baby cries, I comfort her, no big deal.  But I was angry last night.   

She started crying and screaming, no matter what I did and no matter what my husband did. 

I was frustrated, so he got up with her, which turned her cries into hysterical, overtired screams.  After he had reached his limit, I intervened, holding her and singing, getting her so close to sleep time and time again, but to no avail.  When she has one of these episodes, there is no reasoning with her, no joking with her, no distracting her, no cuddling her, no nursing her - nothing works.  I was beyond frustrated after an hour of screeching.

Then, I had to walk away, leave her in her crib, while she screamed the most horrible screams.  I had reached my limit.

I went into my living room for a few minutes with my husband to cool off.  I was both mad and sad.  We do not believe in crying it out, because of the biological and emotional implications but mostly because that's not how our heavenly Father responds to us when we need comfort.

But at that moment, I said, "She can lay in there all night and scream!  I DO NOT care!"

I sat on the couch, and rambled a prayer like this while my baby cried in the background, "God, I know when I cry out to You, or I'm distressed or confused, You answer me.  You never let me sit alone and scream and cry and leave me disoriented.  You always bring me comfort and peace.  I'm really trying to do that right now with her!  Please help me be patient with her as I try to comfort her.  I really don't understand right now."

II felt a lot calmer and had more resolve, so I went back into the bedroom, held her, rocked her, continued to pray over her, sang over her, and got her back to sleep.

I woke up this morning to a smiley, cuddly, giggling little girl, I was in my right mind and I felt awful.  I apologized to my daughter for leaving her when she needed me. 

You see, when I signed up to be a mom, I signed up to be a mom day AND night.  I can't selfishly say, 'No, it's only convenient for me now' because that is not being wise with my talents.  I have to invest in her day and night, night and day.  I felt like I had failed in my duty, in my commission as her parent.

One of the things that scared me the most though, was that at that moment, I was willing to give up some of my most sacred parenting convictions...all for an hour and a half of sleep.  Is that what's really at the core of me when things get tough?  I'm ready to throw in the towel?

I was cleaning with India a bit this morning, and we had a mix of children's songs playing on iTunes.  The second song that came on was a song by Plumb, called 'Me', which was ironic because it's not really a kid's song.  As soon as it started playing, I started crying, and I knew that God was comforting me in my conviction.

God heard my cries for understanding and once again reminded me how 'crazy blessed and oh so lucky' I am to be her Mama - day AND night.

Please listen to this beautiful song by Plumb.